Boy, ISIS are going to be pissed when they find out New Atheists talk about God more than them.
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just stood up and my knee popped so loudly my neighbor’s dog barked in case Marvel or DC is looking for a new superhero franchise
my doctor asked if it burns when I pee. I said only when it gets in my eyes.
Do your friends know that you’re asking people on Twitter about their issues?
-Asking for a friend.
anybody is allowed to send me $1,400 it doesn’t have to just be the government
Walked out of the hospital with my newborn daughter on Friday to go home. Got outside, she took one look around, smirked and rolled her eyes. I couldn’t help but think… “she’s already smarter than me.”
I thought I saw a coyote in the yard tonight but I couldn’t tell because it didnt have an anvil.
Accidentally activated “vacation dad” by telling my husband there is construction on our way to the airport…we are now leaving at 3 am for a 5 pm flight. We live 20 mins away.
Me: Who’s a good boy?
Dog: I thought we settled this.
ME: [googling Why Do I Have A Migraine?]
GOOGLE: You need caffeine. You drink too much caffeine. You need sleep. You sleep too much. You need to eat. Food can cause migraines. The weather changed & you should’ve figured out how to control that. You need to go back in time and-
I’m not leaving a will. My final act will be giving my family one more thing to fight about.
Mom: Did we pack everything? The stupid baby monitor?
Dad: Ugh I hate that annoying dumb thing!
Tiny Monitor Lizard: Ok wow I’m right here
WTH! @ The audience that just sat and watched the first ever magician to saw a lady in half.
Husband’s on fire today. He’s made lunch for us both and the smoke alarm’s just gone off.
I wish my kids are as committed to turning off the lights as they are at forcing their way into my bathroom to say “You’re eating my Kit Kats!”
I may appear calm on the outside…
…but pigeons are attacking a french fry in my head.
Latte is the most popular part of the pumpkin spice plant.
Her: A group of iguanas is called a Mess. I love that.
Him: What happens if they get overheated?
Her: I see where this is going. Don’t even think of-
Him: *whispers* hot mess.
Imagine the sound a centipede would make if they wore tiny flip flops…
[working at the DMV]
Me *covering phone mouthpiece*: a Mr. Godzilla wants to know if he can upload his photo or does he have to come here?
Boss: *sweating profusely*
[Christopher Nolan on the set of Batman Begins]
Great Batman voice, Christian! Terrific stuff!
[aside] maybe Batman shouldn’t talk
Pro tip:
Don’t go to knife fights. Then you never have to worry about what to bring.
If you love something keep it in the refrigerator, keep it fresh, that thing you love is a lot like mayonnaise.
[Second day in prison]
ME: *looking up from my signup sheet disappointedly* Guys you know I can’t play quidditch by myself
Wanted: One (1) flat earther to be my friend so I can talk to you when I’m down and you can tell me my belly is actually flat.
No weirdos.
i actually have so much empathy for pigeons. we’re all just waking around the city together eating garbage and almost getting hit by cars
I touched a sticky one dollar bill and now I have to chop my hand off.
Ancestors survived five mass extinctions on earth for me to be killed by a house cat I was trying to put a christmas sweater on.
5-year-old: My teacher said this project needs adult supervision.
Me: OK, what do you need me to do?
5-year-old: Go find Mom.
The credit card machine at the liquor store wasn’t working so I whispered to it, “Please…. my mother is at my house,” and it felt bad for me and worked!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I don’t follow washing instructions, you’re my clothes you don’t tell me what to do