Boy: *Kissing girl on couch* You wanna take this upstairs?
Girl: Hehe sure baby
Boy: Sweet! Grab the other end, I can’t carry it by myself
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it’s not really fair to ask kids what they want to be when they grow up because as a kid I had no idea being a podcast cohost who does no research and just gasps or laughs was an option
IT guy: Your keyboard won’t work because it’s full of crumbs.
Me: *flashes back to eating Nature Valley granola bar at desk* Weird.
I don’t have ADD. It’s just that everything is more interesting than what I have to get done.
I spilled coffee over my keyboard, so I spent all day asking letters from my employees.
“Give me a “g”
“Give me an “h”
They hate me now.
It’s bullshit that retirement homes have a minimum age. Being old and feeble is a mindset, let me in
My baby bump popped this week, and I’m still waiting for the maternity clothes I ordered to arrive. If you see me walking around looking like Winnie the Pooh, just mind ya business.
real
Me: Your hair smells so good. Which shampoo is that?
My Boss: This is inappropriate
Me: Your skin is so…
My Boss:*Turns off shower* OUT!
I’m what the New York Times once referred to as “an acquired taste…like bleach.”
me: looks like I don’t have to plant any mint, it grew back on its own
mint: yep, you don’t have to worry about me
second mint: me neither!
me: I don’t remember planting you
third mint: sup fellas how we doin
I never try to make guests feel at home. If they wanted to feel at home, they should have stayed there.
Me: So how old were you when you hacked your first person?
Friend: 6th grade
Me: Wow, you were good with computers early on in life.
Friend: Computers?
How old do I look?
9yo: 30
Aww, you deserve ice crea-
9yo: Just like grandma
-m but too bad you’re not getting any
i’ve always loved the phrase “when i wore a younger man’s clothes” from piano man. it’s such a poetic way of saying he stole a guy’s clothes
Preserved fruit, that’s my jam
I work from home and tend towards introvert
Him: (assessing the surroundings) when did you last leave the house?
Me: Saturday!
Him (familiar with my bullshit): WHICH Saturday?
The true mark of maturity is when somebody hurts you, and you try to understand them in order to best tailor a revenge plot that suits them.
WIFE: Whatcha thinking about?
ME: *thinking about how penguins could probably fly if they just believed in themselves more* Just work stuff
[opens fortune cookie]
be careful what you wish for
[opens another]
this is your final warning
I just threw some bird seed on my lawn and now there are dozens of them out there which is amazing because I thought it would take ages for them to grow
If the sun is so hot how come it’s single
If the head of CIA can’t even hide his own affair it’s pretty safe to say there were no aliens at Roswell and we really went to the moon.
Prisoner:*strapped into chair* Flip the switch & fry me.
Guard: Oh, we’re not electrocuting you…
*college kid w/ acoustic guitar walks in*
If your kids are big enough to get on a ride without help, I will fight them for the last carousel horse.
“No way.” -Jose
My friend showed me how they fixed the water stain on the ceiling in their office.
Little known Chinese proverb – He who walks barefoot in a dog’s backyard will be sorry
“I don’t think we should see each other anymore.”
*turns off lights*
*giggles*
Who does Amazon think I am?