boy pyromaniac: *starts first fire*
Dad pyromaniac: “im so prou-”
Mom pyromaniac: “dont say it!”
Dad pyromaniac: “im so proud of arson”
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HOW TO BE A LAWYER:
Witness: I saw your client do it.
Me: Allegedly.
W: No, I did.
M: Allegedly.
Judge: That’s argumentative.
M: Allegedly.
*signing divorce papers*
Client, “Thank God that’s over.”
Me, “Yes, divorce is stressful.”
Client, “No. The process was fine. I’m just glad the marriage is over.”
Me, “I’m glad you aren’t crying. Here’s your bill.”
Client *bursts into tears*
Apparently, it’s considered bad form to bring their luggage to the graduation ceremony.
I’m perfectly fine with kissing frogs to find a prince…But I draw the line at kissing snakes.
I don’t want anti-wrinkle cream, I want a serum that bestows wrinkles upon my enemies.
this burrito is terrible how can you call yourself a barista
No human will ever understand humiliation like a dog who happens to run into a wolf while wearing a sweater.
What does my tattoo mean? It means I couldn’t be trusted with $200 when I was 18
Wife: He’s your son!
Me: So you say! But I don’t…
*Kid dances across the room to the Benny Hill theme song*
Me: …ok fine he’s my son.
Step 1) Ask mom to come meet your girlfriend.
Step 2) Text “Medusa’s excited to meet you.”
Step 3) Place statue of yourself on your lawn.
A customer service employee on the phone just told me they can’t get me an appointment for the same day as the appointment they canceled, but as a courtesy, they won’t CHARGE ME DOUBLE.
Like The Shawshank Redemption except it’s just me at work chiseling a tunnel behind the “hang in there” cat poster for a more direct route to the vending machine.
My account was hacked so if you saw some really weird posts or received some strange DMs, those were the ones that were definitely from ME. Anything else was the hackers.
HIM: isn’t wintertime just so romantic
ME (smiles & my lips crack open & blood starts pouring down my chin): oh definitely
When someone says, “I can’t believe how cool the mornings are getting,” I picture the morning with greased-back hair and a leather jacket.
Her: hey handsome, why don’t you give me your number…
Me: …because I still need it.
Arkansas is just Kansas for pirates.
Cleared my browser’s history and cookies after having sex with my GF.
In Soviet Russia a bar walks into men. The case of the man-killing-bar remains unsolved.
“sup shorty” – a giraffe, probably
the dog ran into a fence chasing a squirrel. she doesn’t look anything like me but she’s mine. i can tell
ME: this is great
INSTRUCTOR: you’ve never used a gun before, huh?
ME: [throwing another gun at the target] I need more guns
Sometimes I’ll go to a grocery store and rotate all of the Tide detergents 90 degrees and yell “THE TIDES HAVE TURNED!” until I’m kicked out
depression: you’re not good enough
anxiety: everything is falling apart
Quora: what if a grape hit u while traveling at the speed of sound
Oh you hid the snacks? Sorry, I majored in finding snacks
Kid: Mom, will you play with me?
Me: Sure.
Kid: Okay, pretend you’re dead.
Me: This was the role I was born to play. *lays down and remains motionless for hours*
I made $12 in the cryptocurrency market. Learn how I did it in my new book, “How I made $12 in cryptocurrency market”.
after u do your laundry u should be allowed to get in the dryer and tumble for a little. no charge.
Do you ever eat an individual-sized bag of chips and wonder what kind of “individual” only eats seven chips?
Once I started pronouncing baseline like Vaseline things just really fell into place for me.