Boy, was I disappointed when I found out canoodling doesn’t involve actual noodles.
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A long holiday weekend is great until you realize the kids have a long holiday weekend, too.
911: what’s your emergency?
me: what’s YOUR emergency?
911: *starts crying* omg no one’s ever asked me that before!
me: jk I’ve been stabbed
Cat burglar: Quietly steals all your valuables
Dog burglar: Eats your ham, sleeps in bed with you for awhile, wakes you up to go out at 3am
Carol from Facebook said she’s “taking it one day at a time,” so I responded “me too. That’s how days work.”
God making women: make them sexy and sophisticated but also confusing to operate.
Angel: soooo like an espresso machine?
Wife: he’s always confusing sayings…
Therapist: what if you’re just misinterpreting him?
Me: oooh, check you out playing devil’s avocado
Sticker placement is key.
I wished I loved anything as much as my wife loves inspecting the pots and pans I wash by hand.
Him: Let’s make another baby
Her: WTAF??
Him: Yes
“How’s the diet going?”
I beep when I back up now.
i think my razor is having a panic attack
You’re telling me a beagle isn’t half bear half eagle?
Good morning to everyone except those who haven’t had coffee yet.
Oh, you’re here. Who’s running hell?
Don’t think of it as a garlic knot binge, think of it as a vampire prevention plan.
“How do you compete in fencing if you don’t have a sword?”
“I just dodge the other guy’s attacks.”
“You’re missing the point.”
“That’s the idea!”
[runs inside of a gas station]
“I NEED TO USE YOUR BATHROOM! IT’S AN EMERGENCY!”
*takes a selfie in the bathroom mirror for an IG # game
DATE: I want someone that’s mysterious & really into nature
ME: [leaves]
An unexpected perk of having pets is when the cat throws up on the couch; the dog jumps in to handle the cleanup.
I’m at the point in life where if a girl dresses up in a french maid outfit I’d be more happy if she actually just cleaned my house for me..
PILOT: Welcome to flying school. Any questions?
ME: Is it possible to crash into a rainbow?
PILOT: Yes it’s how most of you will die. Next?
Why do you even see a psychologist? They they are just people that weren’t smart enough to be psychics.
12 decided he’s into vinyl, so he got a record player for Christmas. His new name is DJ TURNITDOWN!
You ever pump your gas slowly on purpose so no one realizes you only had $3 on you
One cool thing about being 33 is that people who are 50 think you might as well be 22 and people who are 22 think you might as well be 50
I love twitter
I could be wrong, but an escape goat strikes me as an awfully inefficient getaway plan.
“A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered drawer .”