boy: WOLF!
villager: nope, that’s a coyote
boy: *getting attacked by the coyote* please help me
villager: *already walking away* sorry I don’t hear liars
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8 yo: “Mommy, what did you want to be when you grew up?”
Me: “Not this tired.”
wife: it looks too tight
me: it’s fine, let’s just go
[ten minutes later paramedics have to cut my turtleneck off after I pass out]
I thought it was impossible to do 450 push ups in a minute until I discovered lying
I love how we have a big tv so my 3 kids can crowd around the tiny iPad and argue over not being able to see.
Eating a block of cheese is probably the most delicious way to figure out it’s time to get some groceries.
I came home to find that my son had installed the air conditioner in his bedroom window.
I told him, “You did a good job, but it’s actually supposed to go in like this.”
I then proceeded to drop his air conditioner out of the 2nd story window.
There is no moral to this story.
Stellar hiring process HR. The new lady broke into song when being introduced to me. I give it 2 days before her first cat-related meltdown.
I asked my wife how to turn Alexa off. She said, I don’t know, have you tried walking through the room naked?
*Wife walks in, the house is trashed*
“OMG..we’ve been burgled”
*I jump out of the closet in full hockey gear*
HAVE YOU SEEN THE WASP KAREN?
We can play Yahtzee again.
-You fixed the broken dice?
Yeah. And they’ll never break again.
-How do you know?
*grins*
Die mends are forever.
[After sitting for a portrait for 18 hours] Where’s the artist?
me: I’d wait a lifetime for you
also me: 5 seconds till I can skip the add ? that’s some bullshit right there
Too many catfish out there. Verify your identity by posting yourself holding a spoon. I’ll go first
When witches and warlocks correspond about their carnal passions, they’re hexting
If I was a giraffe, I’d get a neck tattoo of the Empire State Building.
If they’re right about the Mayan calendar and the world ends next week, I’m cool with that because the people whom I love know I love them.
Also, it means I don’t have to fix up this freaking house any more
This Valentine’s Day, make sure to make it extra awkward by playing “All By Myself” on full blast in your car while eating and sobbing into a bucket of fried chicken when you’re waiting at red lights.
Been looking for you, every, single, day in the obituaries.
Darling
Stop asking dumb questions on the internet; ask for money.
*sells my soul*
Devil: I want a refund
Her: I’m not like other girls
Me, knows no other girls: ah that’s good to hear
As a child I thought that growing up I’d be challenged to rap battles way more often than has actually happened.
I used to wait for hrs with my finger on the record button of a boom box after requesting a song on the radio. I’m familiar with commitment.
Single white female seeking a nice, respectful paycheck and 401k to settle down with.
I left her for one minute to use the bathroom. One minute.
Me: do you like bad boys?
Her: no
Me: are you sure?
Her: [covers her dog’s ears] okay yes
[funeral]
ok I need everyone over 70 to gather for the bouquet toss
opening a flower shop called women in stem