Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[consoling friend after break up]

me: don’t worry there’s plenty of other fish in the sea

global warming: like hurry tho

wish hard enough & anything can happen, they say.
yet two hours later my stomach growls & my breakfast still isn’t making itself. liars!

Guy who invented the spelling of bologna: shoplifting is a misdemeanor but murder is a felogna

I did my three minute river dance routine outside his bedroom window and my hot neighbor still doesn’t want to date me

This is bullshit

*limping in, covered in makeshift bandages*

Wife: Ready to admit that a puma does not make a good housecat?
Me: He’s just lonely. We need another puma.

[Hospital Parking Lot]

Me: I thought we were here to get your X Ray back.

Friend: Yeah *slashing tires* this is his car.

Her: What’s your favorite part about being a stay-at-home mom?
Me: Showering is optional
Her: HAHAHA, be serious.
Me: Ok, no drug tests.

Proper punctuation can be the difference between a tweet being well written and a tweet being well, written.

Unmuting myself to say “thank you!”after a 1.5 hour meeting I didn’t contribute anything to

Girls have Galentine’s day but I just gave my buddy a 12 pack of beer and called it a dozen broses.

MATH Q: 5 friends wanna split a $50 dinner. But Josh wants a separate check bc his thing was $2 less. Really, Josh? This is y nobody likes u

When this is over, I’m just going to start hugging nurses and doctors until they get a restraining order.

My wife handed me a mop so I inspected it and said, “You’re good to go, woman!” and now the mop handle is in a funny place.

If pronouncing my b’s as v’s makes me sound Russian, then soviet.

Nature : Earth is 95% full. Please delete anyone you can.

Corona : Got it.

My fortune cookie message read :

“You appeal to a small, select group
of confused people” ….

Uh huh ….

Since you’re not a dentist and you’re entering my mouth with a pair of pliers, repeat after me: “I swear to pull the tooth, the whole tooth, and nothing but the tooth.”.

People come into your life for a reason. It’s annoying

God: Build an ark
Noah: For?
God: Animals and shit I dunno

[earlier]
Devil: Bet you can’t trick someone into building an ark
God: Game on.

it’s fun to mess with teachers by training your kids to review books with terms like “sophomoric” and “pedestrian”

Sprayed a spider with some Davidoff Cool Water & it didn’t die. Now I’m just stuck with a spider that I wanna bang.

GUY: I dare you
ME: no
G: I double dog dare you
ME: no
G: I TRIPLE dog dare you!
ME: [realizing if I keep this up ill get a lot of dogs] no

The date was going splendidly until my mom called and we argued over my curfew in front of her.

*in the car*

7yo: I can count to 100,000

5yo: oh yeah, then do it

me: no

God: you’re a Squid.

Squid: actually I’m a Kraken.

God: what’s a Kraken?

Squid: nothing what’s a Kraken with you? lol.

God: wa-was that an ocean pun?

Squid: maybe, did you like it : )

God:

Squid:

God: you krilled it : )

Rest of world: don’t do anything crazy plz
UK: fk u we used to own u watch this
*does backflip
*money falls out of pockets
*cracks head open

You look like the kind of person who touches garden gnomes appropriately.

My pappy died in the sea. Not even his old chum could save him. In fact, that’s exactly what brought the sharks in the first place

I’m still in disbelief that 9/11 coincidentally happened on September 11 (9/11)

My husband ran for 30 minutes on the treadmill. He’s told every other person on earth and I didn’t want y’all to be out of the loop.