boy: you have really pretty eyes…
me: *suspicious* thank you…???
boy: *leans in slowly*
me: NO!!!! You cant have them!!!!!
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When someone tells me to “smile naturally”.
Wife: wtf is this pile of clothes doing on the floor?
Me: I struck down a Jedi.
W: god I hate you.
M: yes, use your hate
I’ve been repeating the same mistakes in life for so long now I may as well call them traditions.
I’m re-enacting Titanic today, I’m at the part where Rose is naked on the couch eating Corn Flakes and watching Storage Wars.
My mother in law did not appreciate my request she “say hello to jesus for me” on her way out the door for mass
ME: [finding hidden compartment] OMG what the heck is this?
WIFE: The washing machine
“You did it!”
“You did it!”
“You did it!”
-dog watching me fail to solve a rubiks cube
[Starbucks]
“Yes, I’d like a venti skinny soy half-sweet one-pump caramel macchiato half-caff extra whip, please.”
Barista: Is Pepsi ok?
If I’m going to pick up something and I ask you, “What would you like?“ and you say “I don’t know, surprise me” I will come back with nothing for you, cuz surprise, you should of made a decision.
[Facebook Marketplace]
Me: Selling this guitar amp.
Guy: I will trade you another guitar amp for it.
Me: How does this make sense in your head?
Rewatching Bram Stoker’s Dracula and I love Keanu’s gradual realization like bro I think this guy might be Dracula
[tearing off our clothes]
Her: I want you. Take off your shoes.
*kicks flip-flop through her TV*
*visits new girlfriend’s house for 1st time*
“Make yourself at home”
Great. Thanks!
*I crawl into the closet and begin sobbing loudly*
My 7yo asked her brother for a hug and it was the sweetest sibling moment, then off to school he went with a slap me sign on his back
*pronounces UPS like yoops
ME: Can you call me when you get home later so I know you’re okay
TAXI DRIVER: Again, no
BOSS: We need to improve morale
ME: Okay
BOSS: How about an office party?
ME: [crosses out “replace coworkers with puppies”] I guess
My therapist after every session
Noah had a younger brother called Rick who just built a speedboat and saved 9 cheetahs
[Confessional Booth]
Me: My favorite sins are sins of the flesh.
Priest: FAVORITE SINS?!
Me: Why are you yelling? And gluttony, gluttony is a close 2nd.
Eye Exam Lamaze Class
Emergency
🤝
Dilated Pupils
My plans for world domination will have to be put on hold while I try to open this package of batteries.
I like to send love notes in my husband’s lunch like SORRY THE BREAD IS STALE MAYBE YOU SHOULD LEARN TO SEAL IT BACK WHEN YOU ARE DONE
Kid: Would you like to buy me this candy bar or watch me have a Stage 5 meltdown in front of a bunch of strangers who are quietly judging your parenting?
I threw a ball for my dog.
Extravagant, I know.
But he looks amazing in a tuxedo.
Oh, to be a rat with a pancake
asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life
My neighbor called me an old drunk which really offended me. I’m not that old…
Mom: Did we pack everything? The stupid baby monitor?
Dad: Ugh I hate that annoying dumb thing!
Tiny Monitor Lizard: Ok wow I’m right here
Apparently nothing offends a toddler more than suggesting they might be due for a nap.