Boy, your name must be Adobe cuz when you call me up for a date, I say “Ask me again later.”
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I asked my doctor if I’m healthy enough for sex and he told me I’m not even sexy enough for health.
[goes back to Target just for the things I forgot]
cashier: that’ll be $337.48 and can you describe the children
The freebie-jeebies
That feeling you get when someone creepy buys you a drink without asking.
[Surgery]
Anaestheologist: “Count back from 100, please.”
Me: “100, …, um…, …, uh…”
Anaestheologist: “OK. He’s out!”
*Surgeon starts sawing off leg
*I hold in the pain to disguise the embarrassment over my innumeracy
Never in my wildest dreams have I imagined myself entering a bank, wearing a mask, and asking for money.
If da Vinci were alive today, the “Mona Lisa” would have been called “IMG-20121020-00463.jpg”
Strange
good morning, this is your captain speaking. my parents made sure that from a young age i understood that there are things worse than death.
“I can’t possibly lose this if I put it here” I say to myself before completely forgetting where here is
Im not trying to brag or anything, but I just got invited to play Candy Crush on FB
[amazon dropping off my order]
Me: yes! my new recliner arrived!
Cat: yes! my new scratch pad arrived!
Me:
Cat: Tomato Tomahto
WIFE: How do you feel about Hawaiian pizza?
ME, sipping my pineapple spice latte: I think you know
Twitter is like Michael Jackson’s nose, whenever they do something to it, it gets worse.
I want to die of natural causes like being stabbed to death by a rainforest.
Kids today will never understand just how COOL it felt to be a little white girl singing all the words to “Gangsta’s Paradise”.
DOCTOR: Yes, stripping to the waist is necessary for this check-up
ME: uh ok. Should I do it too?
DOCTOR [flexing biceps] yeah if you want
🚲+physics = winner
I buy reverse osmosis filtered alkaline water for my dog and he prefers to drink out of the lake.
ARTHUR: Knights, I have a dangerous mission for you.
SIR LANCELOT: I shall go.
SIR GALAHAD: We all shall go.
SIR VEY: Okay, actually, just—quick poll—who else does NOT want to go?
the British: we demand to be taken seriously
also the British: I nipped down to Boggy Bottom and split a toad-in-the-hole with Mr Pumblychook
Me: It’s 2020, you can’t breathe without offending somebody.
Them: HE’S A MOUTH BREATHER!
I wish radical Islamists were just Muslims who were really into surfing.
Neighbor: Omg, is that a hickey?
Me, flashing back to burning my neck with a curling iron: Yup, I still got it.
My parents and in-laws are visiting for the weekend. Whose around for a consensual kidnapping of me until Monday?
when it’s time for me to follow thru with plans I agreed to
How loud can you talk?
-Alcohol
Check on your friends stuck in quarantine with kids that never stop talking.
We are NOT ok.
you cannot hurt me. you are not a hip height table corner
Jay-Z is actually the 26th generation of the Jay family, which dates back to the middle-ages, when Jay-A invented rap.
Time to stuff a zucchini. I won’t say where.