Boycott kissing men at midnight. It’s New Year’s Eve not New Years Steve.
You Might Also Like
I wonder if the disciples got mad when Jesus got promoted to god like,
disciple 1: who did he have to heal to get this job?
disciple 2: his dad owns the company
Wife: We are lost
Me: *driving a Nissan Pathfinder* LOL I think we’ll be fine
I wish Bill Clinton would stop pointing his finger at everyone, Lord knows where that finger has been. #DNC #DirtyPoonTang
things I would say ALL THE TIME were I a Mysterious Widow:
-how terribly kind of you
-richard LOVED the water
-i can’t, i’m wearing gloves
Me: *unsubscribes from marketing emails*
[5 months later]
Company: you didn’t unsubscribe from “emails about our products”
Me: *unsubscribes*
[9 months later]
Company: you didn’t unsubscribe from “client success stories”
My date was all ‘next time come to my place and I’ll cook you some food in my air fryer’ and I was like ‘lol sure and I’ll play you some songs on my air guitar’ and then she was like ‘I need to see other people’.
[driving home in silence]
me: all i said was her husband was a really down-to-earth guy
gf: they were lowering his coffin
My neighbor just snapped his fingers at me to get my attention.
In related news, hiding a dead body is not as easy as you think.
Bad day? Listen to 90s rap. Problem solved. Unmotivated? Listen to 90s rap. Problem solved. Don’t like rap? Listen to 90s rap Problem solved
Little known fact: the eye is actually the least dangerous part of the entire tiger
My son ran away again, but it gets worse. I think this time he took the remote.
Whoa. I guess one dude quit:
ME: [shouting upstairs] dinner’s ready!
6YR OLD: what are we having?
ME: you’ll like it! trust me!
6: I ain’t falling for that shit again
plot twist: satan sold his soul to me
temp agency: we only have positions for nights available right now
a dragon: i see
You can’t even be mad at the dog for this. You just have to be impressed.
Jobs I’d be shit at:
-brain surgeon
-rocket scientist
-ventriloquist
-goat herder
-sober person thingy
Overdraft fees should be illegal. Simply block the payment if there are insufficient funds. Why is that hard?
A group of owls is called a flight of stares.
[after a plane crash]
Pilot: are u guys mad at me :/
If you cut me off in traffic you better be ready to look in your rearview mirror and see me yelling something you can’t hear.
[in car]
Wife: Dont tell ur arm story
Me: Im gonna stick to humorous stories 2nite babe
*at party*
AND THAT’S WHEN MY HUMOROUS BROKE IN HALF
It’s actually Dr. whatever
*me, as an uber driver*
oh dang, the gps is saying the fastest route is through this burger king drive through lane
My ex said he would die for me. All I’m saying is, it was his suggestion.
Close your eyes. Picture a world without hunger. Open your eyes. I ate your sandwich.
Of course people can change. I used to hate true crime but now I actively participate in giving shows content.
British people be like “gotta bring the car to the mechanic for a chune-up”
[speed dating]
DATE: ding
ME: did u just make the ding sound with ur mouth
DATE: no
ME: we have 4 minutes left
DATE: *louder this time* ding
A local man died after a shelf full of routers fell on him.
It was an unexpected LAN slide.