Boycotting the Winter Olympics because it’s too frickin’ cold.
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Looking to join a group where every once in awhile somebody screams “fan out!” and we all do.
After the hipster got his girl pregnant, he wouldn’t shut up about how he was into her before she got big.
GOD [creating humans] make them intelligent, sophisticated and rational
ANGEL: ok cool
GOD: but if they get told a plate is hot, they have to touch it lol
“Sorry, are you…?”
“Oh… no! No, I’m not, sorry…”
“Ah! That’s ok, haha, thanks, sorry”
“Sorry”Transcript of a Brit asking another Brit if they’re in the queue
“Lloyd, could you keep your eyes on the road, please?” Oh. Yea. Good thinkin’. Can’t be too careful. A lot of bad drivers out there.
Never go grocery shopping hungry. Always bring a chair to the furniture store. Buy clothes in a swimsuit. I’m not clear on the rules
I’m a go getter
And right now I’m a go getter nap
She just assumed the chocolates I brought to the date were hers and not my pre dinner snack.
I got tazed in the zoo again for telling a group of kids that an angry giraffe is called a grrraffe.
“I’m gonna sleep in tomorrow.”
Every child ever: No you’re not.
[my parents come for a visit]
i love you guys so much please stay forever you can have my bed i’ll buy dinner
[my mom puts a wooden spoon in the dishwasher]
well this has been fun,
We’re all getting idioter.
me: I can’t decide what to have
waiter: what about the duck?
duck: I’ll have lasagna
pronouncing “vegan” like “began.”
My wife just texted to tell me that she killed a spider all by herself, get my union rep on the phone, stat.
Olfactory?! You mean that place downtown where a man cans millions of peaches?
Do you ever look at someone and think “god, you’re so amazing” I mean even when they’re sleeping and you’re hidden in their closet…
“A wine please”
“Sir, this is McDonalds…”
“Okay, a McWine please”
The wife: I’m running away
Me: no you’re not
The wife: give me one good reason
Me: you hate running
Sawing a hole under the bottom of a table to steal a cooked ham is way harder than it looks like in cartoons.
When your great-grandchildren call you racist for thinking all monkeys look the same.
People complain about their looks, but no one complains about their brains.
I quit my job to become an archeologist.
My career is in ruins.
me: [searching for the will to live]
will: I have a girlfriend
Me: 🎵 mama
My Mom: hi son
Me: 🎵 just killed a man
My Mom: new phone who dis
Cat 911: What’s your emergency
Cat: I can see the bottom of my food dish
Cat 911: Oh, well just wait patiently and the humans will fill it
Cat:
Cat 911:
Cat: Haha hahaha
Cat 911: hahahha
Cat 911: Seriously though, knock something off the counter
Moose: Sorry, I need to quit this yoga class.
Yoga Instructor: NahMooseStay!
Today I learned just how long ten minutes are by doing an ab workout.
I don’t have an alarm clock, I have cats
Ya know when you buy a bag of of salad and it gets all brown and crusty…. cookies don’t do that