Boyfriend and Boy friend…..
See that little space between the second one?
Thats called the friend zone!
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It was all over when he said, “It must have been an obstacle illusion.”
Our junk drawer is so big, it starts at the front door and goes all the way to the back.
Life Lessons from the Petting Zoo:
-Everything bites
-So much pushing
-Did you bring quarters?
-OMG, goats have the weirdest pupils
HER: let’s be open about how we really feel. I’ll go first I love you.
ME: Ok well… I really, really, don’t want Naruto to end
HER: wtf?
*whispers to old lady at Starbucks*
one time they ran out of coffee here and we ate a baby
i am such a dungeons & dragons guy in theory. but i just don’t have the attention span to make it work. if you invite me, i am gonna show up super excited, name my elf some shit like Hyundai Elantra, and then you’ll never hear from me again
Cop: “Do you have any idea how fast you were going?”
Shark: *eats cop*
wife: “just break it to him gently”
me: “ok ill try”
[tucking son in bed]
me: [opening story book] “once upon a time your grandma’s dead”
The sign at the zoo said “Please Don’t Touch The Animals” so I put away the book of poetry I was reading to them.
Bear boss: I need to see you two in my office right away.
*I see my coworker is nervous*
Me: Relax, how bad can it be.
Salmon: Shut. Up.
Me: I’m smart!
Also me: That is the weirdest looking otter I’ve ever seen!
Hubs: That’s because it’s a seal
My boyfriend said no girlfriend of his will use social media.
So anyway, I’ll guess I’ll miss what’s his name.
Right now Netflix is trying to figure out how 6 million people watched birdbox this weekend with only 22 active accounts
A pregnant family member is looking for a old-fashion social security number. What is your social security number?
Her: I have butterflies in my stomach
Me (trying to impress): My skull is full of wasps
fedex guy: here’s ur package
me: thanks
fedex guy: sign please
me: [blushing] Pisces
With all due respect, your kid sneezed on me first.
If Titanic happened now Rose would ask Jack to film her like one of his onlyfans girls
theory: eating m&ms one at a time will decrease my chances of eating them all in one sitting and feeling terrible later.
findings: I am going to barf very soon.
The dollar tree has motion sensor Christmas ornaments that blast jingle bells in case your family doesn’t already hate you…
My jeans aren’t too small, they’re my compression pants.
Keep your friends close and your fat friends closer, because snacks.
Broke out some old threads to wear to work today and was feeling pretty cool until my 12 year old daughter saw me and said, “What is that shirt? You look like the 90s,” then I knew I nailed it.
[blind date]
HER: I just wish women were treated equal…You know what I mean?
ME: Absolu-
WAITER: I hate to interrupt but can I take your drink order?
HER: Yes, I’ll have a Manhattan
ME: Make mine a *turns to non-existent camera*…Womanhattan
Him: What are you doing tomorrow?
Me: I was thinking maybe a chocolate croissant for breakfast.
Him: *sighs*
Me: Oh, you mean between meals.
If I can’t pronounce your name after meeting you, you will from that point forward be addressed as “bro.”
How much is appropriate to tip the police officer who opens the squad car door for you?
NATE (naive): Want to share a pickle with me? Oh wait, I don’t have a knife.
ME (has seen Lady and the Tramp): Don’t even worry, pal.
Oh sure, when the Fonz uses a public bathroom as his office, he’s “cool”, but when I do it, I’m a “creep”.