Boyfriend and Boy friend…..

See that little space between the second one?

Thats called the friend zone!

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Wife: I told you to baby proof the house!

Me: I did. That baby has no chance if it comes in here. The bear traps will make sure of that.


[Clinic waiting room]
Nurse: Sir don’t shout that!
Me: [whispering to old lady next to me] butt stuff. when?


It’s all fun and games until someone from real life recognizes you and you realize you’re too small to drag off the body.


Dad to kid: “Connor, eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
Me: *turns around, eats all of kid’s food*


Instead of a jar to collect change for vacation, I’m going to start one for bail money, for when it flip out on stupid people in public.


Me: Roses are red, violets are blue…

Them: I’m going to stop you there man. Imma assume this is your first rap battle?


[job int]
“Under skills u put ‘not being afraid of pigeons’.”
[nervously shifts in chair]
“That’s right. Why? Do any pigeons work here?”