*boyfriend and girlfriend in shower*
Girl: do bad things to me babe
Boy: *flicks shampoo in her eyes and trips her over*
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A cop just pulled me over — asking if I knew my tail light was out? I said, ‘Uh uh. I drive on the inside of my car’
I have watched this 10 times already she is so good!!!
If I’ve learned one thing in my almost-34-years of life on this planet, it’s that there is absolutely no dignified way to eat a yolky fried egg sandwich.
judas: i would never betray jesus he’s the best
jesus: my favorite movie is the Minions Movie
judas: i am going to betray the son of God
people will be like “ew putting your suitcase on your bed is the most disgusting thing you could do” and it’s like no. not me. i’m capable of much more disgusting things
I admire women with the restraint to draw on their eyebrows. I wouldn’t be able to stop until I’d added glasses and a moustache.
You want me to respect scientists. The people who almost killed E.T.
Nothing like waking up on a Friday and finding out it’s Tuesday
Monday is a legitimate excuse for biting someone.
If I’ve learned anything from Disney, it’s this:
If you happen across a woman’s corpse, in the forest? Kiss it.
“These fries are too crispy” – inventor of the microwave
Me not wearing a bra is apparently a bat signal for anyone in the neighborhood who might need to come to my door for any reason .
*walks into HR wearing a Princess Leia bikini
[rolls a boiled egg down the bar to a hot girl]
me – “that was an accident can I have my egg back please”
“How do you talk to an angel”
Me: I don’t know, Skype I guess?
“How do you hold her close to where you are”
Me: Aren’t most angels men?
Sorry you heard me going through your medicine cabinet. I was trying to be quiet.
You bought a boat this month? Well I bought an ambulance ride, so who’s the big spender now?
When I have sex with someone I high Five them.
*slaps hands together.
People complain about crying babies on airplanes, but in my experience a crying pilot is worse.
I forgot the term “kidney stones” so I called them pee pebbles.
Waiter: may I offer you a cocktail?
Me: yes. Molotov, please.
My dog loves going for hikes but I carry him for most of it because his feet get cold so I guess technically he likes being carried around in a winter forest setting.
Pretty disappointed that the phrase “if looks could kill” is figurative
I understand division over pineapple on pizza, or whether it’s pronounced gif or gif, I’ve even taken sides myself, but people fighting over the spelling of woah or whoa take a step back now before this madness destroys us all*
*It’s whoa, by the way
Guys are at their mathematical best when a girl says she is pregnant.
I’ve never played Jenga, but I have had to extricate myself from a sleeping toddler in my bed, so I think I could handle it.
Benedict Cumberbatch sounds like the fake name someone called Ben would give when he realised halfway through that giving his real name would be a bad idea.
Was at a political event recently (not my usual scene), MP was selling raffle tickets to support a potential parliamentary candidate.
I asked him how much they were.
He said “It’s five pound a strip”
I said “Do I get to choose the music?”
Just looked at me then walked off 🤣
i opened a savings account in 2008 with a $25 deposit. i’ve watched the money grow over the last decade, and though i’ve been tempted, i’ve left it alone. now i have $27.96, enough to retire on. take note.
The way my life is now if I threw caution to the wind it would just throw it back.