@PandAmonnia

*boyfriend calls girlfriend*

Bf: “Hey Babe, I love you!”

Gf: “we’re breaking up”

Bf: “no we’re not, I can hear you just fine.”

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@OtherDanOBrien

*hot girl puts a cherry stem in her mouth*
*twists it around with her tongue*
*pulls it out*
*it spells “I LIKE YOU AS A FRIEND”*

@daemonic3

Beauty is in the Eye of the:
A) Holder
B) Holder
C) Holder
D) Holder

@TitaniumToplass

Jill: Hey, wanna help me get some water?
Jack: Ya, sure, I mean what’s the worst that could happen?

@DanMentos

[signing birth certificate]
wife: you put Owen, right?
me: yup
nurse: Now we’ll just need a footprint from little [reading] “Owned”

@SCbchbum

When a couple I’m friends with splits up, I always choose sides with the one who won’t ask to sleep on my couch.

@kidnappedagain

Fight Club but it’s just 19 and 16 duking it out over who takes “their” car—the one neither of them paid for

@robdelaney

My wife went on a lot of roller coasters when she was pregnant with our daughter Katelyn, and you can tell 🙁

@DaddyJew

Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
My kitchen now has a lake

– me trying to fill up my ice trays

@daemonic3

You hang up

“No, you hang up”

You hang up first!

– Bats going to bed

@leechee420

Watching a show about women who choose to give birth outside. Like, let’s take the most painful experience of my life and add bugs and shit.