*boyfriend calls girlfriend*

Bf: “Hey Babe, I love you!”

Gf: “we’re breaking up”

Bf: “no we’re not, I can hear you just fine.”

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*hot girl puts a cherry stem in her mouth*
*twists it around with her tongue*
*pulls it out*
*it spells “I LIKE YOU AS A FRIEND”*


Beauty is in the Eye of the:
A) Holder
B) Holder
C) Holder
D) Holder


Jill: Hey, wanna help me get some water?
Jack: Ya, sure, I mean what’s the worst that could happen?


[signing birth certificate]
wife: you put Owen, right?
me: yup
nurse: Now we’ll just need a footprint from little [reading] “Owned”


When a couple I’m friends with splits up, I always choose sides with the one who won’t ask to sleep on my couch.


Fight Club but it’s just 19 and 16 duking it out over who takes “their” car—the one neither of them paid for


My wife went on a lot of roller coasters when she was pregnant with our daughter Katelyn, and you can tell 🙁


Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
My kitchen now has a lake

– me trying to fill up my ice trays


You hang up

“No, you hang up”

You hang up first!

– Bats going to bed


Watching a show about women who choose to give birth outside. Like, let’s take the most painful experience of my life and add bugs and shit.