Boyfriend: I’m home! (looks into garbage can) Hey. Did you eat like five candy bars today?
Me: AM I UNDER INVESTIGATION HERE!?*
*i did
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If Minnie Driver married Bradley Cooper her name would be oh god I can’t even finish this one
Always let those you hate have the lion’s share.
Then tell the lion.
unlike drugs, twitter addiction won’t cost you anything, except your social life
[blind date]
her: this is nice, i was worried you’d turn out to be weird or something
me: i lost my virginity on a ghost pirate ship
her: ah there it is
Car salesmen: Good evening
Me: TAKE IT EASY PAL I’M JUST LOOKING AROUND
longing is fun but i prefer “shorting,” where i want something for like a day and then realize never mind
Why wait til you own a boat? name your fridge
I was so happy when I got my first washer dryer, now, 3 kids and a puppy later, nothing short of my own laundromat would excite me
You meet the rock singer Meat Loaf while he’s out with his kids. He says, “These are my boys, Gravy, Mashed Potatoes, and Kyle.”
Remember, you can disappear into the woods whenever you want. You’re an adult.
How to tell if your kid is doing drugs
1. Are your drugs missing?
On a dark desert highway
Cool Whip in my hair 🎵
Responding to a question from your wife with interpretive dance tends to raise more questions than it answers.
When I found out Carl was a beekeeper I stopped loaning him bees.
I told my toddler grapes were choking hazards so now when she wants grapes she asks for “choking hazards” instead
Humidity is like heat if it suspected you were about to break up with it.
(at the pearly gates)
St. Peter: Say “worchestershire”
Me: Oh God I knew it
I was halfway to the state line before I realized the sirens were part of the song that was playing…
“Hello, 911”
Hi it’s Mickey my dog is hurt bad
“Is it Goofy or Pluto?”
I don’t see how-
“Goofy or Pluto?”
Pluto
“Call a vet” *hangs up*
Why is it called a knuckle sandwich, and not fist food?
“Is that a serial killer downstairs or just my pet?”
– the fun game that all cat owners get to play at 3am
2020: The Year In Review
Everyone: No
No, Susan, I haven’t just “grown a new beard” – I’ve rewilded my face.
BIKE: Seems like you’ve been eating well since the last time you used me.
ME: *regretting the “great deal” I got on a vicious cycle*
My husband asked for a back scratcher for Father’s Day so apparently my days are numbered
Sexting:
Him: What do you like in the bedroom?
Me: Sleeping.
Him: No, I meant what can I do to make you happy in the bedroom?
Me: Close the door on your way out.
Him: No, I meant…
Me: Also lock the door.
Meanwhile at the Maternity Ward…
If you accidentally get stuck holding the door for a bunch of people. 1. Relax 2. Accept your fate 3. You are part of the building now
If your phone fell in a toilet, you would…
1995: …leave it, toilets are gross
Today: [wrist-deep in urine] BRING ME A BOWL OF RICE NOW