Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Who would of thunk it folks, having a mask, rubber gloves, bleach and hand sanitizer is now acceptable to have in your vehicle.

(holding a pickle like a cigarette) do you mind if i?

I’ve got a neighbor who’s really into morons. I should introduce her to you guys.

You can’t change your past but you can change your pasta.

My son had an idea for the “Mom Dash App” where I would deliver food to his room and I told him that I’d have to get a 20% tip, so he’s still getting his own food.

My wife and I tried for a long time to have kids. Nearly 12 minutes one night.

I’m here!

– Me, excitedly lining up all of my gourmet peanut butters just before my disappointing first meeting at Toastmasters

wife: [steps out of time machine] my god you’ve aged horribly

me: u didn’t even turn it on

My wife went on a lot of roller coasters when she was pregnant with our daughter Katelyn, and you can tell 🙁

It finally happened: someone asked me where the library was in Spanish. I’ve been training for this since high school.

If you turn the ceiling fan on high enough, you don’t have to sweep.

A baby and I locked eyes. I panicked, but thankfully I didn’t cry first. Haha stupid baby, I win.

*Meets new person, forgets their name two seconds after they say it. Spends the next ten minutes hoping others in the conversation will say their name so I don’t have to ask.

some guy in the 7-eleven said “it was only a kiss” into his phone and the other 3 of us in the store all yelled IT WAS ONLY A KISS anyway i think he is gonna be getting divorced soon

Cop: Know why I pulled you over?

“No”

Cop: *points* Your buck naked

[turns to deer in passenger seat] “Jesus Frank, put your fur back on”

Guys love legs. Women, if you can grow more legs that would be a major turn on

You: Be kind. Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.

Me, wearing a shirt that says “I am battling the moon and it is not a secret”: Ok.

If a mass murderer on death row ordered a Klondike Bar for his last meal I bet it would explain a lot.

Me: you tellin me a shrimp fried this rice lol

Benihana Chef: ha ha

Shrimp Under Chef’s Hat: he knows too much

asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life

“You have such a great personality”

Me: Thanks, I collect them

Going to pronounce fecal like decal

If I were married, my wife would not be shoveling snow after working a long shift. Not with these gutters that need cleaning.

As long as Apple doesn’t announce Ben Affleck as the new iPhone I think everything is going to be OK.

Avril Lavigne is the lead singer of Maroon 5 right

If Seal was my friend, I would never miss an opportunity to ask him, “Wanna go clubbing?”

It’s funny when you tell someone that you don’t like people, they always think you mean other people.

A N U S
B U T T
M U F F
~ My reply when the optometrist asks me to read the lower lines, regardless of what I see

Linda from the office calls it a shawl but I know a shitty cape when I see one.

I don’t want to be a millionaire, I just want enough money to be able to stare off into the distance while pumping gas.