Boyfriend Test: Sour Skittles in one hand. Peanut Butter M&Ms in the other. Which do you choose?
WRONG. Neither. Don’t ever take my candy.
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DOCTOR: I’m afraid I have bad news
ME: can you tell me what it is
DOCTOR: no I’m still too scared
The person opposite me has a donut. I do not have a donut. That should be my donut. This person is now my arch nemesis.
It’s not that he liked big butts; it’s that he could not lie. THAT’S why Sir Mix-a-Lot deserved his knighthood.
Back in the day, we didn’t have google just a drunk uncle.
When I yell the wrong name in bed I blame autocorrect.
My sensitive skin moisturizer is sulking again
I identify as whoever’s credit card I just found
Why don’t we ever talk about how there were aquariums EVERYWHERE in the ’80s. You couldn’t buy socks in a department store without seeing at least 40 tropical fish.
avoided the guys with the white uniforms and human sized nets again so yeah it was a decent day
I get it February, I can only leap about once every four years too.
The haters said I couldn’t do it. And the haters? They were right. They were correct. They even nailed the small details, frankly it’s amazing
Emoji: because sometimes a chicken, the Spanish flag, and a lesbian couple is the only way to express how you really feel.
spider sees spiderman shoot webs out of his wrists:
oh OK yeah I can see why that’s a good way too.
Wife: what’s wrong?
Me *halfway through eating a horse* I’m not as hungry as I thought
Trainer: Diet to hit your goal weight.
Me: Then what?
Trainer: Diet forever to maintain it.
Me: *heading to Pizza Hut* Nvm.
[Commercial for the Pogo Stick]
Have you ever seen the inside of an E.R.? Want to?
If you know shes had a bad day just ask her how she is doing. Then when shes talking you can think of a good tweet that makes fun of her day
HER: i love bad boys
ME: [trying to impress] my mom thinks i’m in bed
It’s awkward touching hands with another man inside a popcorn bag, especially if you dont know the man and he doesnt know you’re eating his popcorn
They say you should do something every day that scares you so I napped without the little pillow between my knees and now my lower back is terrified.
*on a 1st date*
Her:..and I have 3 cats
Me: Swipe left
H: Did you say “swipe left”?!
M:
H:
M: *panicked whisper* swipeleftswipeleftswipeleft
Who called him Spider-Man and not Netflix?
I named my third child Pi, because having that many kids seemed irrational.
my friend got banned from this bar so she waited like a year and started going back everyday like nothing happened and the other day the bar tender looked at her and was like “you look so much like this crazy girl we had to ban a while back”
And this song would come on and all the white people would start having a group seizure.
Me explaining the Harlem shake to my grand kids.
make your kid’s birthday party a special one they’ll be talking about in therapy for years
Holy shit. I just remembered I was in Twilight.
not for long
INTERVIEWER: where is your resume
ME: i forgot it
INTERVIEWER: seriously
ME: yeah
INTERVIEWER: *under breath* you had one job
ME: oh so you’ve seen it then
*Cocks Gun* ” Any last requests?”
“Yes, do not shoot me with that gun.”
“Oh you!! Ya got me go ahead get outta here”!