@jabberwockkyy Will you be my 14th most used emoji?
@MissBamanthaa Boyfriend Test: Sour Skittles in one hand. Peanut Butter M&Ms in the other. Which do you choose?
WRONG. Neither. Don’t ever take my candy.
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@jabberwockkyy 
@Kendragarden My parents let me watch Grease constantly when I was a kid & then they were all, whoa why is our teenager always super drunk in tight pants?
@InternetHippo [someone kicks a dumpster out of anger]
ME (from inside): Who is it?
@UncleDuke1969 Frankenstein: Master go fishing?
Igor: Yes.
F: Master take worms?
I: Yes.
F: Master put on hook?
I: Yup.
F: Hehe…Master ba-
I: Just don’t.
@samalmightysam The movie ”Finding Nemo” would’ve lasted only 5 minutes if his mother would’ve looked for him.
@954LeenO if it smells like bullshit & looks like bullshit, it probably is bullshit. Putting sugar on it doesn’t make it a brownie.
@DragonflyJonez You look at the top of your phone screen and see the ringer off and alarm clock icons and wonder when you got old and boring and responsible
@LurkAtHomeMom IF YOU KIDS DON’T COME BACK TO THIS TABLE AND FINISH YOUR LUNCH RIGHT NOW, I SWEAR I WILL SIGH HEAVILY, EAT IT MYSELF AND GAIN 3 POUNDS.
@a_simpl_man Me: I saved $2000 remodeling the bathroom [flexes muscles].
Her: Did you add the hospital visit?
Me:
@timfrom2005 2 friends and I once pulled the 3 kids in a trenchcoat trick & killed a man got tried as an adult but when they hung mike, paul & I fell out