Will you be my 14th most used emoji?
Boyfriend Test: Sour Skittles in one hand. Peanut Butter M&Ms in the other. Which do you choose?
WRONG. Neither. Don’t ever take my candy.
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My parents let me watch Grease constantly when I was a kid & then they were all, whoa why is our teenager always super drunk in tight pants?
[someone kicks a dumpster out of anger]
ME (from inside): Who is it?
Frankenstein: Master go fishing?
F: Master take worms?
F: Master put on hook?
F: Hehe…Master ba-
I: Just don’t.
The movie ”Finding Nemo” would’ve lasted only 5 minutes if his mother would’ve looked for him.
if it smells like bullshit & looks like bullshit, it probably is bullshit. Putting sugar on it doesn’t make it a brownie.
You look at the top of your phone screen and see the ringer off and alarm clock icons and wonder when you got old and boring and responsible
IF YOU KIDS DON’T COME BACK TO THIS TABLE AND FINISH YOUR LUNCH RIGHT NOW, I SWEAR I WILL SIGH HEAVILY, EAT IT MYSELF AND GAIN 3 POUNDS.
Me: I saved $2000 remodeling the bathroom [flexes muscles].
Her: Did you add the hospital visit?
2 friends and I once pulled the 3 kids in a trenchcoat trick & killed a man got tried as an adult but when they hung mike, paul & I fell out