Boyfriend: you want to go see the new Star Wars?
Me: I LOVE STAR WARS
BF: which was your fav
Me: duh, Sorcerer’s Stone
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Congratulations on angrily speeding past me to get to the red light first. You’re special.
Someday I’d love to treat my wife to some luxury items, like a BMW, a Louis Vuitton bag, or genuine HP ink cartridges.
*Whispers, spitters are for quitters.
~Wine tasting, you pervs!
If you hear your toddler in the other room saying “I got this, I got this”
Go to him FAST for he does not actually got this
Find someone that threatens to fight everyone as often as you do
I don’t tell many people this, but I have been known to carry a shiv.
Okay, it’s the underwire in my bra and the only one getting stabbed is me, but still.
[at Starbucks]
ME: One large starbuck please.
BARISTA: Sir, that’s not even a-
ME: Sorry, one venti starbuck please.
Take two chicken wings and call me in the morning.
My family is playing Monopoly so no it won’t be a silent night
My neighbor was complaining about my cat pooping in her flower bed but I didn’t have the heart to tell her it’s actually my kids.
friend: you should name your plants
me: why
friend: it’s just a cute thing people do
me: oh ok. *pointing to rose bush* this is Lily
friend: wait
me: *pointing to lily* this is Iris
friend: no—
me: *pointing to Iris* this is Rosemary
friend: I hate you
Stop shaming yourself for not pursuing a traditional career path. “Sea-witch who steals voices” is a real job. “Lady with snakes for hair” is a real job. “Prophetic hag who appears only in dreams” is a real job. Your career is valid ❤️
He thinks the lipstick kiss I left on his bedroom mirror was for him, but I was just kissing my reflection.
Good Morning.
A lot of people don’t know this but Hotel sheets aren’t tucked in tight. It’s actually the bed bugs playing a lil game of tug of war with you
new shirt idea
Which burns more calories? Putting on a wet swim suit or wrestling a sports bra?
Pregnant women go through a “nesting” phase where they make a tree fort out of twigs and parts of men they’ve killed.
[on my deathbed]
Me: Where…*cough* where is your father?
Kids: *crying by my side* being consoled by your girlfriends.
Me: I’M UP!!!
“I can’t eat all of that!”
… and other lies I tell
I’m really bad at measuring the correct amount of pasta when cooking, so if you and 79 of your friends want spaghetti tonight…I got extra.
I hate it when people who are younger than me complain about being old. They’re all like… well, I forget what they say, but it’s still annoying.
M-I can’t go. My Ewok is sick.
H-Gigi that’s a stuffed animal.
M-
H-
M-Crap. I think you’re right. I bet he ate all my Doritos again.
Me: Can I pet your dog?
Stranger: sure
M: one more time
S: uh, ok
M: again
S: maybe you should get your own
M: pet
S: we have to go
M: mine
My kids are very optimistic. Every glass they leave sitting around the house is at least half full.
I swear to god, the next car that cuts me off will be driving in front of me.
THE CANADA GEESE ARE LEAVING.
AMERICA THEY YOUR PROBLEM NOW.
Everyone’s a gangster until they turn a spoon the wrong way under running water.
He died doing what he loved, forgetting to put my potato wedges in the bag.
When I can’t barge, I careen.