@SondraDeeMe

Boyfriend’s on the phone talking to a guy about lattes and his love of peach scones.
I’m on the couch wondering when our periods synced.

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@donni

The fact that we don’t use towels to dry towels makes me question the value of towels.

@gerryhallcomedy

Sadly learned my family is racist. I started dating a black girl. Brought her home to meet the family. Wife and kids wouldn’t talk to her.

@UNDEADTRESOR

Condoleeza Rice’s less successful sister is Apartmentleeza Rice.

@MavenofHonor

[frantically pressing buttons on spaceship control panel] WHICH ONE IS FOR POPCORN

@lazerdoov

Sorry I brought my own turntables and tried to battle your wedding DJ

@Rollmaninoz

*school reunion*
Guy: Reporter is cool I spose. I became a doctor so I could actually help people ya know
Clark Kent: *fist clenched* mmm hm

@PanicRestroom

Always stand up for what you believe in, unless what you believe in is sitting down.

@rockymomax

[buys ghostbusters ringtone]
ME: who ya gonna call?
[1 hour later]
ME: who ya gonna call?!
[2 days later]
ME: *sobbing* I am so lonely

@ariscott

Please God, let the weather be nice for my picnic. There are 7 billion people on this planet. Many starving. Please hear my picnic prayer.

@AlexErnst

crush: i really like music

me: *gets jealous of music and rips off crushes ears*