Boyfriend’s on the phone talking to a guy about lattes and his love of peach scones.
I’m on the couch wondering when our periods synced.
You Might Also Like
If I had the money to get some work done, I think I’d have them start with the dishes.
Game of Thrones, at its core, has always been a show about how much it sucks to be a horse
Wife- Don’t forget the trash.
Me *BATMAN VOICE- I’ll forget whatever I want.
Wife- What did you ju…
Me *Robin voice- I said, yes ma’am.
Every time I have sex I hear sitcom laughter in my head
Bobcat Escapes National Zoo #WhatDoYouThink?
Things a raccoon and I have in common:
1) Dark circles around the eyes.
2) Likes eating junk.
3) We’re both cute but will kill you.
Me, eating catfish: This looks nothing like it did on the menu.
Babe, you’re just perfect for me
Except that you’re married, have kids, live 8000 miles away and are probably an obese man
I’d rather get killed by the Blair Witch on the first night than have to camp another night.
I work from home and tend towards introvert
Him: (assessing the surroundings) when did you last leave the house?
Me: Saturday!
Him (familiar with my bullshit): WHICH Saturday?
Got out of the shower this morning and went to put my Fitbit back on, the screen said “looking good.” Was more than a bit unsettling since I was naked. 😳👀
I was eliminated as a contestant on Fear Factor after running screaming from a bee.
It seems like every time I consider arson, the price of gas goes up.
There is safety in numbers, “TWENTY SIX” I yell at my burglar.
you cannot hurt me. you are not a hip height table corner
Ahh, the joy of being the obsessively punctual guy married to Mrs. Latetoherownfuneral.
When you think about it, Jesus really accomplished a lot in the four months between Christmas and Easter.
*brings ramen noodles to your cookout*
Do you ever eat a mint and then take a sip of cold water and it hurts your teeth and then all your teeth fall out and they form a pentagram on the floor and the lights shut off and your ears start ringing and the ringing turns into an explosive roar
Him: I have feelings for you.
Me: I’d rather you have cake for me.
oh you like bad boys? well sometimes i cite articles i’ve only skimmed
Knock knock
“Who’s there?”
“Dejav”
“Dejav who?”
Knock knock
Twitter to me is like the Bermuda triangle. I don’t know how I got here and I’m not even sure where “here” is.
Does the 5 second rule apply when you accidentally say “I love you” during sex?
Why are they called fireflies and not Bugs Lightrear?
What do we want?
An end to auto-correct errors!
When do we want it?
Cow!
Sow!
Bow!
Tow!
Duck this!
caller: listen carefully–we have a hidden camera in your hotel room. you need to…
me: pay you money? smuggle drugs???
caller: cover it up. and would a little cardio kill you?
Why do people say tunafish, rather than just tuna?
Is that to differentiate from the tunacow and tunagiraffe?
Congrats, you’ve been selected for the job
Me: Whats the salary?
10k now and will increase to 25k later
Me: Ok then, I will come later