Boyfriend’s on the phone talking to a guy about lattes and his love of peach scones.
I’m on the couch wondering when our periods synced.

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I don’t think a lot of people remember the psychological grip Nutella had on the American psyche in the early 2010s… It became its own governing body at one point


The Wicked Witch was only evil because of her awful sex life. Ladies, you’d be pissed off, too, if getting even a little wet would kill you.


Me: *leads her to bedroom* This is where the magic happens.
Her: Nice
*4 rabbits jump out of a hat as a flower squirts water in her eye


Dear Cool People, they didn’t name a candy after you, did they? Love, Nerds.


I just cleaned out my purse. So, I’ll be having a garage sale later this afternoon.


I would never get a minivan because I can’t even think of 7 people I’d want to be stuck in a vehicle with.


Tonight I’m going to be naughty and tie my man to the bed. Then I’ll make him watch a Golden Girls marathon while I eat the left over pizza.


Before the invention of the automobile, you had to put roller skates on your horse


Now I lay me down to sleep
I hope you like this and retweet
If I should die before I wake
I may have eaten too much cake


[Crime scene]

Detective: the victim was high af when he died.. you could say it was

*takes off sunglasses*

D: blunt force trauma