[boys at work talking sports]
Them: what’s your favorite sport
Me: yeah
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Fact: mongooses are super fast and agile and are well known to be dangerous to cobra kai students.
[fake yawns to put my arm around date but it’s so i can pet her dog who is also on the couch]
Me: I love it when you call me señorita *kisses neck* I wish I could pretend I didn’t need ya.
Liquor Store Clerk: Please get your mouth off of the wine bottle until you’ve paid for it.
My son told me that it doesn’t matter what way the towels face when he puts them away and it’s almost like he wants to see my eye do that twitchy thing.
My kid asked for help with her report but if I did it for her she won’t learn! So I showed how to google, change name, & print on her own.
me: I invited my boss to dinner
her: I thought you hated him
me: I didn’t have any choice
my boss: should I leave?
Gift horse “My gums are bleeding.”
Dentist “Well this is a professional dilemma…”
Photographer: Ok, let’s get a good natural smile. Relax and just let it happen.
Me:
Brad Pitt wears a skirt and he breaks the internet. I wear one and the HOA is all, “Cease and desist!” and “You’re hurting our eyeballs!” and “You are uninvited to the pancake breakfast!”
Who’s the idiot that called it “The Wizard of Oz” and not “The Flair Witch Project”?
My MIL told my (Canadian) kids to pick something she can send them from Target. Without hesitation my 6yo asked if Target sells diamonds. My work here is done.
One job requirement for a substitute bus driver is being able to navigate with directions given by 4th graders.
when a commercial says “available wherever books are sold” it sounds like they don’t know where books are sold
Her: The world is gonna end in 30 minutes!!! 30 MINUTES!
Me *ordering a pizza* yeah this will be tight, for sure
Started watching LOST again w niece & neph, completely
forgetting I’m flying to Spain for a wedding.
PILLS ARE PACKED
my cousin’s baby is due tomorrow & my grandma keeps checkin her phone for news. waitin for the baby 2 text her like “im here lol. from baby”
My 3-year-old dumped pudding in her pocket.
Novice dad reaction: “You ruined your pants.”
Veteran dad: “Thank God. I thought it was poop.”
Around my neighborhood I’m affectionately known as “Please stop taking pictures of my flowers you weirdo.”
The real heroes are my neighbours in a 5km radius during my quarantine bagpipe practice
They were testing a machine that calculates your age based on your reflexes. Turns out I am 140 years old.
Mom: If all your friends jumped off a cliff would you do it too?
Me:If all parents used that same metaphor would you use it too?
#slapped
DOCTOR: I’m afraid I’ve got bad news
ME: *pulls an apple from pocket*
DOCTOR: *sweating* GOOD NEWS, I MEANT GOOD NEWS
Her: You’re a dumpster fire
Me: So you think I’m hot??
Teenage Mutant Ninja Wordle
⬜🟩🟩🟩⬜
🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩
🟦⬛🟦⬛🟦🟦
🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩
🟩⬛⬛⬛🟩
⬜🟩🟩🟩⬜
Don’t ever put money in a savings account because your house will find out and break something expensive.
My version of flirting these days is looking at someone I find attractive, multiple times..
..and hoping that they’re more brave than I am !!
My 5 yr old tried to smuggle a baby duck home from the farm.
Like I heard non-human noises from the backseat & had to turn the car around, drive a mile back, & tell the farm people my daughter’s going to rehab for animal trafficking & no, I don’t want to keep a duck for $5.
How long past date can I eat eggs like are they still good or am I naming them now
Despite what we’ve been lead to believe,
nobody really really really wants a zigga zig ahh