@LIFEISJOURKNEE

Boys get 1 polo shirt and wear it till the horse dies!!

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@notacroc

BOSS: it’s national replace H’s with F’s day
ME: really?
BOSS: yep, you’re hired!
ME: hahaha-wait
BOSS: get out
ME: what the huck?

@iwearaonesie

wife *comes running out of the bedroom* Kill it! Kill it!
me *runs in*
wife: Did you get it!?
me [has no idea wtf she’s talking about] Yep

@whatmaddness

Me, in my *best* Sean Connery voice: Would you like that shaken or stirred?

My friend, horrified: Maddie, please just give me my baby back.

@badbanana

It’s not Christmas until I see Snoopy eating 37 human femurs.

@ChaseMit

“I Knew You Were Trouble When You Walked In” is my favorite Taylor Swift song about a racist shop owner.

@LostFelicia

Pretty sure I burned off a print making dinner, so if anyone needs my right middle finger for doing crimes, hit me up.

@chuuew

Still finding Easter eggs hidden around the house which is especially scary considering I live alone.

@Jenny4ashley

1,000 Ways To Die is so unrealistic. There’s no episode where a man asks a woman ‘what’s wrong?’

@NewDadNotes

Daughter: what does biography mean?

Me: it’s when you tell a story about someone.

[later at movie night]

Wife: let’s watch Cars.

Daughter: [whispers] autobiography.

@BatBatshitcrazy

I’m only going to have two glasses of wine tonight

~ refills 32 oz tumbler