Boys have dad bods
Men have father figures
You Might Also Like
[Wendy’s]
Me: *confidently walking up to the counter after they got my order wrong* i’d like to speak to wendy
Two squirrels in the backyard. But they are not playing together. Wonder if there’s history.
*wakes up hungover, sweaty*
*licks arm*
*gets drunk*
WIFE: I regret getting you that blender for Christmas.
ME: {drinking toast} Why?
A kid asked me how babies are made once and I panicked and said 3D printers because no one has ever explained it to me either.
God I hate kids.
And people.
And animals.
And sardines.
And stuff that’s alive.
And stuff that’s dead.
I hate stuff.
I like cheese.
Why are iPhone chargers not called “apple juice”?
Sorry/Not Sorry
If O is to Orange, and / is to Division, then Ø is to Fruit Ninja.
My niece calls me her ankle. I call her my knees.
We are a joint family.
What idiot called it a paternity test and not a pop quiz?
If I were rich, I’d have big soft monogrammed towels for when I bathe at the gas station.
The best way to remember your wife’s birthday is to forget it once.
I forgot the word milk so I called it calcium juice.
I secretly gave our Waffle House waitress a $100 tip and my family can’t figure out why she’s crying & hugging me & trying to get in our car
Diabetes was the God of sugar.
Executioner: What do you want for your last meal?
Me: Can it be anything
Executioner: Yes
Me: I would like to eat a A318 Airbus
Zombies and I have a lot in common; we both walk around aimlessly looking for something to eat.
I’m quitting modelling, I need more job security so I’m going to become a princess.
mom always warned us not to sit too close to the TV, but we turned out pergectly fime.
Q: Why isn’t the moon hairy?
A: Because it waxes every month.
The last time I danced like nobody was watching, someone stabbed me with an EpiPen.
CHRIS: hey can I borrow a ten
KRISTEN: sure
CHRISTEN: thank you
KRIS: anytime
“I just figured the ‘H’ was broken on your sign”
Nope, this is what I sell here. Now how many Doug nuts do you want?
cant wait for y’all to be released from the shackles of birthday dinners
A lot of parenting includes slow blinking at your child when they do something stupid while you mutter to yourself that they take after your spouse.
One spelling mistake and my wife is all upset. All I wrote was: Having a great time, wish you were her.
Me: Evil always thinks it’s doing right
My boss: I am just asking you to put your air-pods away for the meeting!!!
My partner is a nurse and I met her at a hospital I visited to fix a broken nose. I told her I broke my nose during a fight protecting my best friend. In reality though, I had gone out for a jog and decided to close my eyes for 10 seconds and ran face first into a tree.
imagine getting fired from the sperm bank for drinking on the job and having to constantly clarify that
Anyone: “Hey, I’m close to your house.”
Me: “Get away from it.”