Boys who wear sports jerseys are just cosplaying athletes but no one is ready to have that conversation yet.
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Wife: Why don’t you buy me flowers?
Me: I didn’t realise you sold them. Also why are you talking like a pirate?
“…any reason why these 2 should not be married, speak now or…”
They’re engagement photo only got 21 likes on Facebook!
*crowd GASPS*
Irregardless, for all intensive purposes, I could care less.
[the ghost of christmas future points at my grave] finally im dead [i lay down in the grave] stop kicking me ghost im not learning anything
STUDENT: Will there be a final?
PROFESSOR: Does a bear shit in the woods?
BEAR STUDENT: *from the back row* Thats none of your damn business
20% of being the BBC Wimbledon presenter is telling people what other telly programmes have been cancelled.
Why is there an eject button on the DVD remote? You still have to get up & take the disc out. It’s like having a remote to open the fridge.
overheard from a 2nd grade zoom today
Teacher: Ok now, what’s at the end of life
7 y/o: that’s a…. I mean, that’s a big… it’s complicated…
Teacher: I mean the word “life”
Leo: *names his child Oscar*
Doctor: “Would you like to hol-”
Leo: “Say it like we rehearsed it.”
Doctor: *sighs* “And the Oscar goes to…”
I’m thankful for my Twitter family. Without you people, I’d still just be talking to myself
A third zebra strolls casually while whistling and pretending to read a newspaper onto Noah’s ark.
Remember when we realized dinosaurs were really just giant birds and people were like “oh well that’s not very terrifying anymore” and then everyone who’s ever met a goose was like IT IS IN FACT MUCH MORE TERRIFYING NOW
“My dog’s learning to speak a foreign language.”
“Español?”
“No, he’s a labrador.”
The 10 Most Defining Viral Twitter Posts of All Time
1.
if the earth is so flat explain why cats haven’t pushed everything off it yet. you can’t.
Welcome to middle age. You now do sock, shoe, sock, shoe to be more efficient when bending over.
Pronounces it worst shit sure sauce.
Using magic to hide the Hogwart’s train was also platform manipulation, where tf Dumbledore’s suspension
“I could eat.”
-me (right after I’ve eaten)
Cop: we know you’re in there.
Me in a French accent: I am not ere, I am in France.
Cop: when will you be back?
Me: je ne comprends pas
me, several minutes after lying about being able to fly a hot air balloon: im just gonna go this way
My husband is really not letting me live down that one time we got into a super big argument because I thought buffalo were extinct.
Call your dad now and ask him what the wifi password is so he has time to find the little paper it’s written on before Thanksgiving.
when it’s the weekend and you stupidly thought you might actually get to sleep in
Squirrels run around like they’re being chased. Nobody cares about you. You live in tree. Get a job
“Have you met my other half?”
– Former magician’s assistant and victim of tragic “sawing a woman in two” trick.
*forgets Netflix password*
*sends email reset*
*forgets email password*
*sends reset to backup*
20 resets later:
*opens 2nd Netflix account*
Don’t do drugs, kids.
The extra demand will drive up the price for the rest of us.
Weighing your giraffe: a guide:
1) Become VERY strong
2) Weigh yourself
3) Weigh yourself again, holding your giraffe
4) Subtract figure one from figure two