Boys will be boys. Girls will be girls. Koalas will be koalas. Just about everything will be the things they are. That’s how this works.
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Seriously this lawyer has shouted enough about the case he’s on that I could go on Westlaw dockets,find the case, call opposing counsel, and let him listen to the strategy call.
nobody:
ppl with clear cases:
The way my 12 year old is using commas makes it sound like Christopher Walken wrote her essay.
MUGGER: Empty your pockets!
ME: But these are cargo shorts.
(45 min later)
ME: That’s the left one
MUGGER: Seriously.
ME: I am SO sorry
REALTOR: This community has a great neighborhood watch
WIFE: [sees me suddenly excited] Don’t you dare
ME: WHO DECIDES WHO GETS TO WEAR IT
*stationary for 7 hours*
Me: “Actually, I’m not sure this is one of those driverless cars.”
“Where do escalators come from?”
“Well, when an Escalade and an alligator love each other very much…”
I’m a lady and a single parent. If I ever make a joke about having a big load, I guarantee it’s about laundry.
I was complaining to my mom that my kids are acting out on my bday and she reminded me that when I was a teenager I ran over her foot on her bday and honestly why is she making this about her?
My 8yo explaining how grades work to her 6yo sister, “I mostly get A’s. A is for excellent!” My 6yo right after, “Oh yeah, and F is for FANTASTIC.”
If you get the Wordle in 5 while a toddler is screaming at you it counts as getting the Wordle in 1.
If you wanna go and take a ride with me with three women in the floor with the goat cheese.
If you watch The Titanic backwards.. It’s about a magical boat that saves people.
me: how much for the funny smelling spray?
employee: perfume?
me: no, the whole bottle
I’m not straight up gangster but I’m working on improving my posture.
Ocean’s 45:
The group gets bigger each heist
It’s too hard to keep secrets
Someone posts the next plan on Facebook
Everyone goes to jail
My Twitter account would benefit from a breathalyzer-activated password.
Just expressed my displeasure by showing my husband the chewed up food in my mouth because apparently I’m 8 years old.🤦🏻♀️😂
CAT LAWYER: [pushes defense team off the table]
Me: I need to pee
Everyone else in the Trojan horse: shh
wife: [steps out of time machine] my god you’ve aged horribly
me: u didn’t even turn it on
*stares into the abyss
The Abyss: Okay you’re kind of freaking me out.
I experimented a ton in college. I tried naps in the evening, naps in the morning, sometimes even 3 naps in a row.
Me: I miss sushi
Also me: eyeballing your aquarium
Of all my body parts that could be throbbing, why is it always my sinuses
flight: scheduled to depart at 3 pm
my parents at 4 am:
If you ever wanted to watch another human take 20 minutes to eat 1 slice of bread because all of a sudden they were soo hungry, then kid bedtime™️ might be right for you
People are out here fighting over Walmart and Target. Meanwhile, I haven’t stepped a foot in either of these stores for eleven years because of the same people who will fight over and in a Walmart and Target.
Had a job interview at a mirror store today and I gotta say I could really see myself working there
My husband just walked in on me drinking cake batter from the mixing bowl and had absolutely no reaction. He’s my soulmate.