Brad Pitt and I had a handsome contest and the loser had to adopt a bunch of kids.
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Friend: What do your kids like to eat?
Me: Anything that is on my plate, even though it’s also on theirs.
Her: You wanna Netflix and chill?
Me: I don’t have Netflix
Her: It means sex
Me: Oh right no I don’t have that either
I found an old set of stationary I ordered when I was 10 … will be using it for all future business correspondence
Aging is the worst. I miss the good ol’ days when my pain was strictly emotional.
It’s weird how opposites attract, like red wine & a new shirt
Stopped in a country store yesterday and they were not selling any countries. 0 out of 10. Would not recommend.
Gotta respect birds, living in trees means they completely avoid paying property tax.
If you don’t like the way I drive then get off the hood of my car.
I once had a girlfriend and then she got to know me.
On average I spend about $80 a year to watch bananas turn brown.
Me: Footlong
Subway sandwich artist: White or wheat?
Me: Cookie
Them: We’ve made this idiot proof
Me, an idiot: *Immediately screws it up*
In England, all swans legally belong to the queen.
Geez, I always pictured her as a cat lady.
my five year old was struggling getting his seat belt buckled. He tried multiple times unsuccessfully to get the tab into the buckle and yelled “it’s like they broke up!”
i meant to share this earlier
When an old lady dies and then her husband dies a couple of weeks later, it isn’t because his heart is broken. It’s because he can’t cook.
Wifey: We should get a chest freezer.
Me: We don’t need a freezer that big.
Wifey: What if we need to hide bodies?
Me: I love you.
“Nope. Nope. Yeah right. Nope. Close! Nah. Nope. Almost! Hahaha, you’re terrible at this.” – piece of popcorn stuck between teeth.
99% of my socks are single. You don’t see them crying about it.
You gotta know when to tweet em
Know when to delete em
Know when to follow someone
Know when to run
me: i hate walking into a room and forgetting why i’m here.. lmao
executioner: just sit in the chair
Serendipity requires the hardest driving rain occurs during the walk from your car to the office door.
Boss: Can I see you in my office?
Me *trying to suppress laugh as I put on my camo jacket* you can try
“That was supposed to be a compliment.”
-Men
Instead of throwing cheese at babies, I would like to gently lay a piece of cheese over a sleeping mouse like a blankie, then when he wakes up, it’s like a bed & breakfast.
instead of “did you eat today babe?” it’s always “how many eggs did you eat today babe?” and “was it only eggs again babe?” and “there are only two eggs left babe, the carton was full this morning.”
Her: I like long walks on the beach.
Me: Is there WiFi?
Her: Where?
Me: The beach.
Her: What?…No.
Me: We should see other people.
Nicknames are way more fun when the other person doesn’t know they have one.
When you feel unsuccessful, keep in mind that there are professional Bigfoot hunters.