Brad Pitt: Doc, did you ever see my movie “Seven” with me and Morgurt Freeman?
Doctor: I think you mean Morgan
Brad: Sorry, Morgurt Morgan
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a lot of people think Rob is short for Robert, but it’s actually short for ‘Burglary’
Cartoons were better when people got anvils dropped on them and accidentally smoked dynamite like cigars.
Adulthood is like the vet, and we’re all the dogs that are excited for the car ride until we realize where we’re going.
I thought my coworker said they worked for the FBI and even though I know it wasn’t actually FBI it still is in my head and I’m rethinking every conversation I’ve ever had with them and am awaiting my arrest for crimes I have not committed
This invitation says, “Regrets only,” so I’m sending them a note that says, “My hair throughout most of the ‘90s.”
My waiter just told me he fancies himself as “an edgy comedian”
Pray for me
Posted in every booth at a Thai restaurant in Fargo.
4: I reeeallly want Oreos!
Me: but you already had Oreos
4: no I didn’t!
Me: yeah you did
4: no I didn’t!
Me: I saw you eat them
4: but *I* didn’t see myself eating them!
My 5 year old son just asked “what if we put a slice of turkey in the DVD player and it played a movie about the turkey’s whole life” and none of the parenting books I’ve read have prepared me for this question.
[Doctor’s Office]
Sir, it appears you have takes-everything-literally disease.
“Is it bad, doc?”
Yes, but bear in mind-
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
“OOOOH I haven’t taken THIS color before” I exclaim as I get new meds
I love how people act like they don’t want to be followed in the street yet they keep looking back at you to see if you’re still there.
To all the men out there without ponytails: What are you afraid of? SUCCESS???
When she checks her bank statement and go “what are these PlayStation Network charges”
A macaron is just an oreo that studied abroad.
amazon: your order has been placed
me: great thanks
amazon: your order is being prepared
me: cool
amazon: your order is being put in the truck
me: it’s ok i don’t need an update on every step
amazon: the driver just buckled his seatbelt
MARRIED WHITE FEMALE in search of someone to remove holiday cookies and treats from her hands. Must be of strong constitution.
My Indian name is dances without coordination.
I have no fear of my family pulling the plug on me if I ever go on life support because I know how much they love wasting electricity
Friend: Why are there 5 FBI agents sitting at desks in your bedroom?
Me: Ordered a small bureau on line and this is what they sent.
Thoughts and prayers for my mom, she’s really struggling with my weight
this guy in South Dakota left his pickup sitting for four days. You know it’s the pandemic. In that time a family of Red Squirrels picked apples from a nearby tree and stored em in his engine and wheel compartment. There are another 1 1/2 to 2 buckets in the wheel wells!!
6: Mommy, why is that man wearing his baseball cap backwards?
Me: Because he was alive in the 1990s, sweetheart
“Sir how did you survive the snowmageddon?”
“I stayed in”
“Oh”
Me: I don’t have a jealous bone, in my body.
Fibula: Silently plots revenge.
Eating the sticker on an apple counts as 35% of your daily fiber intake.
The travel toothbrush has to be the greatest invention ever. Can you imagine having to lug around one of those regular heavy ones?
Gonna start posting empty plates on Instagram with the caption “this was really good”
“My mom is a total MILK.”
— 14-year old, Norman Bates
“Robin, I don’t care how much you love that show. We’re not opening the batcave to Storage Wars.”- Batman.