Brad Pitt might be “better looking” than me, but I am considerably fatter.
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My friend and I were talking about food and he said “I’m not a big Chinese guy” and I was like “I know you’re not”
Welcome to your 40’s. Right after you’re done peeing, you feel like you need to pee.
When my husband goes outside to investigate a strange noise, how long do I have to wait before un-pausing the show we were watching?
[looking down from heaven]
darwin: 5 bucks on ladder guy
angel: i’ll take the one on the ground
darwin: 10 if it’s both
angel: you’re on
“Great. Like the short arms thing wasn’t humiliating enough.”
What if we gave the railroad workers LSD?
– inventor of the roller coaster
F•r•i•e•n•d•s only its D•o•g•s
but instead of claps in the theme song,
barks
Mom: You can’t have cookies for breakfast!
Me: Why?
Mom: Have something healthy-here, eat these chocolate chip pancakes with syrup instead
[Inside every wolf]
Me: Hey.
Me: Oh, hey.
wife: what’s wrong?
slug: boss said I work slowly.
wife: he’s harsh. take it with a grain of-
slug: TAKE IT WITH A GRAIN OF WHAT, DIANE?
I get told that I’m salty, and my mirror tells me I’m mostly fat, so I guess love me since I’m basically bacon.
I ordered the chick on page 3 in the Victoria’s Secret catalog…
But all they sent me was her underwear.
Sober or not if the police ask me to recite the alphabet backwards I’ll just put myself in the back seat of their car.
The upside to wearing a mask at work is I can yawn in meetings and no one knows. The downside is I yawn so much I look like I’m crying
If I could time travel to assassinate a historical figure I’d probably choose Archduke Franz Ferdinand
called my horse mayo cause mayo neighs
Whenever a guy peeps into my phone, I open the front cam and take a selfie with him.
Toddler: *5 minutes of incoherent babbling*
Me: Oh yeah?
i can guess how someone will die based on their clothes
date: what about me?
Hawaiian themed bathroom fire
I bet Hell is sitting in front of every person you know while a slideshow of all of your deleted selfies is played on a loop.
I don’t do weights but my 4yo refuses to walk sometimes so yeah I lift
Me: I need a raise
Secretly-an-Alien Manager: Yes, it is good to, want to exchange labor for the right amount of delicious green rectangles
Me: Ah, the elusive white penny
Cashier: That’s a button
*bark*
“What’s that Lassie?”
*bark bark*
“Timmy’s stuck in a loveless marriage with an overly critical wife?”
*bark*
“Ooh, dinnertime.”
Back in high school I never went for mean girls because I prefer them above average
Dude just wanted a popsicle…
Every history textbook chapter should start with “everyone was just minding their own business, and THEN”
As a kid my grandma would put loaves of bread in the freezer and then defrost them. She told me it was the best way to make something last longer.
Looking back, little Harry the hamster never stood a chance.
“Operator, run this licence plate please
Echo Alpha Tango
Alpha
Delta India Charlie Kilo”– Me, if I was a cop on the day I got fired.