Brad Pitt wears a skirt and he breaks the internet. I wear one and the HOA is all, “Cease and desist!” and “You’re hurting our eyeballs!” and “You are uninvited to the pancake breakfast!”
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My wife’s favorite position was cat style. She’d sit 3 feet away from me. No matter how many times I called her, she wouldn’t come near me
If I had to choose between watching Frozen 1 and Frozen 2, I’d probably choose whiskey.
cool knife. it would look even cooler on my bedroom floor
ME: this hotel is infested with squirrels!
GUY: get out of my son’s tree house
ME: fine, but I’m keeping the squirrels
Kid: “You know in Minecraft when..”
“No.”
I have an important question about the movie CATS which will ultimately determine whether or not I see it:
At any point in the film does one of the CATS cats sit in a cardboard box that is a little too small for them
NAZI: I’m a Nazi
MEDIA: How controversial
NAZI: I said I was a Nazi
MEDIA: Your clothes are beautifully tailored
I’m at my most storybook heroine when I water the flowers at work.
I added someone as a friend 2 years ago but they haven’t responded. They must be really busy.
Bro just recorded the rarest moment in history
[sees a meathead at the gym flipping a giant tire end over end]
ME: Put it on its side and it’ll roll, idiot
I think Amazon is missing a big opportunity to get into the paint industry. They could make big bucks selling Amazon Primer. #tuesdaymotivations
People need to stop with the crime, some of us don’t want to do jury duty because you can’t act right.
Me: it was my grandmother’s ring
Her: *gasp* it’s beautiful
Me: and this is my mother’s wedding dress
Her: your… your family is okay with you trick or treating in that?
Regrettably, we are forced to raise the price of our products and services due to the reason that we want to
My father used to locate and deactivate land mines for a living. I wish to follow in his footsteps. His EXACT footsteps.
jeff bezos trying to escape the earth because of a breakup is the most relatable thing he’s done
Tim Cook: “We’re excited to annou-”
#Apple fans: “We’ll buy it.”
Tim Cook: “Let me fini-”
Apple fans: “We’ll buy that too.”
#iPhone6
My coworker is pregnant and they passed a card around and I didn’t know what to write so I just put HAVE A GOOD BABY TANYA
professor x: whats your superpower?
ostrich: i lay big egg
professor x [telepathically to x-men]: i can save us money on breakfast
ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale
EVERYONE FREEZE THIS IS A ROBBERY!
“What’s that?”
It…it’s a sawed-off shotgun.
“Aren’t you supposed to use the other half?”
…shit.
Adulthood is like the vet, and we’re all the dogs that are excited for the car ride until we realize where we’re going.
If I had a bitcoin for every time someone tried to explain bitcoins to me I’d have a lot of bitcoins, and no idea what to do with them.
[Budapest airport]
IMMIGRATION: So what is your purpose for visiting Hungary?
ME: [holding huge bag of marbles] I wanna see the hippoes.
My pre-nup will indicate that I’m allowed to unplug your life support system should my phone need charging.
TAPE RECORDER: Your mission, should you choose to accept it
ME: *in my jammies* Mm, no.
Well, Lassie, maybe it’s time for Timmy to learn a hard lesson about watching where he’s going.
Everything was great until I opened my mouth.
– An autobiography
Facebook memories be like
The doctor removes the stethoscope from your chest. He seems flustered. “Well, it still sounds like moaning and the rattle of chains in a deep stone hole.”
He hands you a small wooden chest filled with rusty old keys. “Just keep swallowing these until one works.”