brain: BACON!
mouth: BACON!
stomach: BACON!
arteries: are… are the walls closing in? feeling a little claustrophobic here, guys
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What I like about humanity is that certain mustaches are more evil than others, and everyone basically agrees on which ones are which.
I’m from a generation that wouldn’t dare tell an adult that we were bored.
Kids: Mom, what happened to our college fund?
Me: Avocados.
[opens fortune cookie]
-You will have a great night
“aw, that’s neat, wait there’s more” [unrolls note further]
marish clown assassinate you
Idk y men go to bars to meet women? Go to Target. The female to male ratio is 10 to 1 and they’re already looking for things they don’t need
Cop: Tell me again why you pulled out scissors and gave her bangs.
Me: She was flirting with a hot dad that I had my eye on.
Hell hath no fury like that of a woman waiting for you to reply to her text all the while she sees you’re continuing to send tweets.
The movie scene where discarded clothes lead to lovers in bed, except it’s my clothes leading to my wife picking them up and cursing me.
Netflix documentaries convinced me I should be vegan. So I did what any American would do. I bought some bacon and canceled Netflix.
Contactless food delivery be like, what if ding dong ditch had a happy ending?
me: Gary, plse hand me the vial of ultra contagious lethal virus with no known cure
Gary, who up until now has never dropped anything: ok
me: could you fill out an employee satisfaction survey about how well I performed today?
woman holding urn full of ashes:
this is supposed to be an 18 year old
If someone calls you a cutie pie, the correct response is “NO U.” Don’t reply with “thanks” who do you think you are
Marriage. Because your shitty day doesn’t have to end at work.
Just a thought. Why do trees get naked come Fall? They’re so careless too, just leaving their clothes everywhere
I have no covid-19 symptoms, which from what I hear, is a symptom of covid-19
I love how all my apps shake when I go to delete one..
There all like awww shit,
who’s it gonna be this time
The Conjuring 3:
Evil spirits torment another single mom & her kids.
The kids torment them back.
They’re better at it.
The spirits flee.
“There will be snacks.” – someone successfully convincing me to do anything
a 9-5 is two hours of work and 6 hours of anxiously trying to justify my existence to my employer
Having sex is like riding a bike. Specifically, like that scene in Pee-wee’s Big Adventure where everyone in the world has a bike except you
“Was he better than me?”
“Joe, don’t.”
“I have a right to know!”
“No, he wasn’t better than you.”
[god appears]
“Mary, what the hell?”
Wow! This Child Actress is All Grown Up, and You Won’t Believe How Much She Hates Your Obsession With What She Looks Like Now:
Just as a wedding ring tells others you’re married,
the mysterious brown stain on my shirt and rogue booger in my hair says “I’m a mom”.
Everyone gets ONE famous scientologist they’re allowed to pretend isn’t really a scientologist in order to fully and purely enjoy their work.
me: “i taught the dog to bark when someone lies”
wife: “i dont care about that, do you like my haircut?”
me: [slowly covers the dog’s ears]
I dont need glasses, they’re just making road signs smaller now
Passenger: That’s a billboard, and the road is over there
Don’t you hate it when you’re planning someone’s funeral, and they ruin it by coming into the room and talking to you?
“Let’s just kill ALL the characters”
-Game of Thrones