Brain cell 1: say have a nice day
Brain cell 2: nah say have a good oneMouth: Haven gice done
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🤣🤣🤣😆 Easy assemble?
Just remember, you can’t please everyone.
So just focus on what’s important, pleasing me.
The sole purpose of a potato masher is to prevent you from opening a drawer.
You can always gauge my mood by the type of animal videos I share: sweet puppy videos or a cat smacking the shit out of someone.
Harry Potter and the Uber of Eats
Never ask a woman for a massage. She’ll do it for 5 minutes, then somehow trick you into giving her an hour-long one. WIZARDS.
Thank you for clarifying that you’d bite me with your teeth, my mind was running wild with all the possible things you could bite me with.
My reaction to winning a billion dollars wouldn’t even come close to my 5 year old’s reaction when I told him that there’s no school today.
I hate to admit this but our feelings on certain things really do change as we get older. 10 years ago, I would have preferred to get a new video game instead of an engagement ring but now that I’m older, I would prefer to get a domesticated raccoon instead of an engagement ring.
Kids are the worst CIA agents. I KNOW WATERBOARDING SUCKS KATIE BUT YOU CAN’T TELL THE TALIBAN EVERYTHING FOR A CAPRI SUN YOU IDIOT
As my mother-in-law and I fight to the death for her son’s love, I sometimes think to myself, “This may be the worst prize ever.”
GF: I’m leaving you because you’re obsessed with Spanish puns and Despicable Me.
ME: Please don’t go. You’re Juan in a minion.
I hate when I’m hanging up my clothes and I find an unused treadmill from 1981.
Ever since my boss discovered my Twitter account, these drug tests are seeming a lot less ‘random’.
Me, bright eyed, eager to follow the rules:
should I remove my necklace?TSA agent: … what… is it.
Me, smiling hard, too awake, excited to share:
It’s a tiny harmonica!TSA agent:
*closes eyes for a long time, her weariness meant for an entire generation.* JUST GO.
BAD: When your date has been in the Men’s Room for 45 mins.
WORSE: When the 6 yo girl at the table next to you says “he’s not coming back”
Take your ex out tonight (one bullet oughtta do it)
I’m looking at two autographs of Mickey Mouse and I’m pretty sure one of them is a forgery.
Someone left an honest-to-goodness Yellow Pages phonebook on my front porch today. I immediately notified the Smithsonian. kids, ask your parents what a phonebook is.
5pm me: coffee doesn’t even affect me
4am me: I wonder if I can watch all the YouTube
[pet store]
me: are the birds expensive?
employee: they’re going cheap
me: I know how they work
doctor: this may hurt
me: june doesn’t look much better
Me: I absolutely cannot take a cop in shorts seriously.
Him: Sorry ma’am but I’m still going to have to ask you to come with me.
Me: Haha OK
I pray every night that I never become religious…
Volunteer firefighter battles a house fire until 2 am and still goes to work at 6am.
Me: Wakes up at 7 am and contemplates whether to use a smiling or grinning emoji.
Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Correct.
Why, in the name of heck, do they call it a “fun-size” candy bar when the fun part is getting more candy, not less? 🍫😠
The overwhelming urge to stick my finger in queso every time I see some is why I could never work at a Mexican restaurant.
If by cat person you mean I like to sleep all day and poo in sand then yes I am a cat person.