Brain: Compliment her eyes
Me: Yeah?
Brain: Trust me“YOUR EYES ARE BLUE LIKE BLUEBERRIES & THEY’RE PROBABLY SQUISHY TOO.”
Brain: Perfect!
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[knock at door]
ME: yes?
COP: is there a party going on?
ME: well, it’s my dog’s birthday-
[police dog jumps out with a present in his mouth]
COP: SURPRISE
Not to brag, but I think I’d make a good poster child for population control
why are they throwing soup at paintings when my mouth is right here
My kids built a fort last night and it’s the cleanest room in the entire house.
CIA: So what did you call that new tracking software we put on everyone’s iPhone?
NSA: “U2’s New Album”
[blind date]
HER: I just wish women were treated equal…You know what I mean?
ME: Absolu-
WAITER: I hate to interrupt but can I take your drink order?
HER: Yes, I’ll have a Manhattan
ME: Make mine a *turns to non-existent camera*…Womanhattan
i speak three languages: english, bad french and the body language of an emotionally compromised and haunted male detective
Lional Richie let the world know that he played no active role in raising babies or toddlers when he released the song, “Easy Like Sunday morning.”
*First Date*
Me: I really like what you tried to do with what’s left of your hair.
king: the gods are angry with us
advisor: let’s throw a virgin into a volcano
king: how would that hel—
advisor: [throwing steΦen in] help what
As a chemistry teacher, Walter White was dedicated to the scientific methhead.
911: what is your emergency?
Me: HE READ BUT DIDN’T REPLY
I scream, you scream, we all scream, while I’m crawling under the bathroom stall to say hi to you.
7: there were 5 cupcakes when I left and now there are 3. Did you eat 2?!
Me: suddenly now you can do math
If I say goodnight and an hour later you see me online it’s not that I lied it’s just that I failed.
My daughter just started a question with: So mom, you’ve been old for a really long time…
I don’t know what the rest of the question was, I stopped listening after “long time”
I used to be in baton twirling when I was younger I was terrible at it but I don’t care it stays on my resumé nonetheless
Mispronouncing words is kind of my forty
@DaddyJew @funTweeters
Alarm: I have boyfriend
Why is it cute when a baby falls asleep clutching a bottle and when I do it it’s “worrisome”?
Me: Sorry I called out the wrong name just now
Woman: Okay but still, what the hell
Bloody Mary: Oh gross, am I in a ceiling mirror
Waitress: ‘Do u have any questions about the menu?’
Me: ‘What kind of font is this?’
My boss just set a meeting for July 2024 and a little piece of me died.
My two favorite things about Easter morning are (1) hiding the eggs and (2) the looks on my kids’ faces when the snakes start to hatch.
The first guy to eat cheese had a creepy hunch that totally paid off
Don’t worry. Artificial intelligence will never replace actual ignorance.
[phone makes noise]
[gets giddy about how popular I’m about to feel]Oh. It’s an email about car insurance.
[quietly dies a little inside]
Everyone at this whistling convention looks extremely suspicious.
Doctor: you’re never too old to start exercising
Me: cool thanks i’ll start in maybe like 15 years then