brain: did we get anything done this weekend?
me: no
brain: ok then at least we relaxed
me: somehow also no
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Before murdering someone ask yourself: Am I justified? Will I find forgiveness? Did I pay for the shovel in cash?
Me: how long are you gonna sit there picking your nose? I tried to be polite but this is absurd
Potato Head: I want to look good on my date
My blood type is coffee.
That point in your parenting journey where “stop fighting” morphs into “go outside if you’re going to fight”
Farts are like children. The only ones that I like are my own.
Her: I’ll sleep with you when pigs fly
Me: points to police helicopter*
“Someone offered me grapes, but I declined . I’m not used to consuming wine in pill form.” — University of Chicago
“Cantaloupe? Or WON’Taloupe?” *SPLAT* Next week on MELON JUSTICE!
“I eat a high protein diet” sounds a lot better than, “I pretty much just eat bacon and chicken wings”
Me: How did my surgery go
Surgeon: I’m afraid this will be difficult for you to hear
Me:
Surgeon: I accidentally cut your ears off
Why does Jehovah need so many witnesses?
Sounds like a pretty shady dude to me.
A person running around with a laptop chasing an unsecured WiFi signal looks eerily like a cat chasing a laser pointer.
Just overheard a woman on her phone here at the airport say “I’m literally here at the airport” and it was kind of thrilling to hear the term used correctly.
The TV show Reacher answers the age-old question: what if there was a really big guy
ACCOUNTANT: *taking a look at my books* These are just winky-face emojis.
ME: Yep.
ACCOUNTANT: I think I know why your business is failing.
My favourite sport is tracking the pizza delivery guy
Financial Tip: When laundering money, always separate the bills from the coins and use the delicate cycle with a gentle detergent.
me: *just doesnt know when to quit* see you tomorrow
boss: *just doesnt know when to fire me* yep
It has come to my attention that some of you don’t know my English teacher in high school was my own father, on the first day of classes he said “I want you all to know I’m only sleeping with one (1) of your mothers” this is my villain origin story
Me: I picked out a pricy rock I think you’ll like
Her: You mean you’re finally going to propose to me?
M: I was talking about your headstone
On all dating sites, my profile name is Chupacabra, and my profile picture is a Chupacabra, which surprisingly does not deter men at all.
[first day as a bank teller]
robber: *pointing gun* give me all your money
me: wait, my money or the bank’s money?
robber: let’s start with yours
me: ok *walks over to the next teller* i need to make a withdrawal
Why does that little guy keep jumping from one side of the subway to the other?
Dude, he’s a Metro Gnome
We have a ghost. Came home and found the fridge magnets rearranged: “I see dreadful people.”
if you have a dog and don’t greet it by singing “hello barkness, my old friend” then what’s the point
Shake what your momma gave you.
*shakes unemployed brother*
She’ll be coming around the Mountain when she comes. – Mountain bragging.
which is the Beyonce song where it’s like we’re independent but also you should marry us but like we’re super-strong but also pay our bills
Him: Will you proofread this essay for me?
Me: Dammit, Todd! I CAN read and don’t need to prove it to you everytime you write something.
Yesterday, I told my son about the Tooth Fairy. Today, I find 33 teeth under his pillow. Clearly they are not his. I am very, very afraid.