Brain: Great workout, here’s some endorphins
Me: Oh nice, I’ll feel good for-
Anxiety: It took you a full minute to figure out the treadmill buttons and I bet people noticed
Me: … that long
You Might Also Like
They’ve let the kids out of school in advance of the bad weather so it’s our duty as adults to nod & greet one another in town with “Storm’s comin.”
One time I screamed so hard about a professional athlete not playing through an injury I blew out my back and couldn’t work for a week.
20’s: I am invincible!
40’s: I am very vincible
Oh OK thanks for the tip, I was actually planning on letting the bed bugs bite but good call
her: my therapist keeps canceling appointments to go on vacation to who knows where
me: [under breath] whereapist
REPORTER: how does it feel that ur tweet got like 0 favs?
ME: it made me laugh so I dont think its so bad
R: how does it feel 2 be wrong tho
(trying to climb out of bean bag chair) you’re breaking up with me?
Dear Lord..
*walks in with singed eyebrows and an empty gas can*
Friend: The revenge didn’t go as planned, did it?
Me: *grabs chainsaw* Nope.
My cat just brought me my purse and car keys not sure what he’s trying to tell me.
“Ruh roh” says Scooby as the cops pull the van over. Shaggy looks at the kilos of heroin in the back, sighs, and pulls out a machine gun.
When your friend tells you she’s thinking about adopting and you get really disappointed when you find out she means a human.
When parents say to kids “go to ur room & think about what you’ve done” it’s really good practice for what you’ll do every night as an adult
If the vaccine gives me any superpower, I hope that it is the ability to find my car in a parking lot
why are we always standing after being corrected? imma have a seat after this devastating defeat thanks
i cant feel my face when im with you /
please untie me /
nose is itchy
DOCTOR: im writing u a prescription
ME: [winking] nice thanks doc i wont tell anyone
DOCTOR: again, this is totally legal
ME: shh be cool
(loudly in my apartment in case there’s a murderer here) I love murderers
If Donald Trump becomes President,
The rest of us should be able to just walk into any hospital & start working as doctors
Her: stop kicking everything you don’t feel like picking up under the refrigerator
Me: why
*from under the refrigerator*
*baby noises*
7-year-old: *dumps her toy dinosaurs all over the floor*
Me: You can’t just leave your dinosaurs everywhere.
7-year-old: It was their planet first.
INTERVIEWER: can you explain this gap in your resume
ME: no but i can explain this gap in my teeth. i can shoot water out of it. *takes a sip of his coffee* vanna thee?
You left a note on the fridge saying “This isn’t working. Goodbye” but I opened it and it was working perfectly well. I don’t get it.
If I were the person naming diseases, Chronic Lying Disorder would be called Liarrhea.
There is a closet in my office men’s room. I have left it slightly ajar & put a clown mask in there.
Now there is piss all over the floor.
Brushing my daughter’s hair
Me: Why is your hair SO tangled?
5: I don’t know. Glue maybe?
Me: Did you put glue in your hair?
5: Yes.
Ya know how some of our grandparents are weird about not throwing food away because they grew up poor? I wonder if like 40 years from now our grandchildren are going to be like “why does Nana have 70 rolls of toilet paper at all times? She’s so weird.”
Dogs make everything better, unless you’re making a bed.
Someone asked me if I’d found my soulmate and I was like lol I cant even find my debit card.