Brain: he must study-how?
*Hormones raise hand*
H: we could hit him with pimples, kill the social life?
B: *whispers*
It’s for his own good.
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Animal poetry
When singers at concerts hold out the mic for the audience to sing, it’s like what am i, your maid
If you want a medical degree, they’re literally hanging on doctor’s walls. Grab one.
This is meant to give your cat a seat at the table but it could totally be a whack-a-mole game instead
Don’t touch my nutella with your banana.
If you hold a warm baked potato it feels like you’re holding someone’s hand without having to touch anyone.
[Getting ready to go out]
Her: Is that what you’re wearing?
Narrator: He thought it was, but he was wrong.
CW: Who’s the more the foolish: the fool, or the-
Me: Ted, I don’t have time for this, so I’m going to slap you hard then take myself to HR.
Tonight’s to-do list:
-honk
-shoo
-honk
-mimimimimi
Ahhh…….I love the sounds of autumn; that old familiar crunch of Halloween candy wrappers on the floor.
[job int]
“& what are your strengths.”
Me: lions
“Lions?”
Me: I’ll take [lion walks by the office] I- [quietly] I’ll take on any lion
[restaurant]
ME: Bottle of shiraz pls. It’s my birthday
WAITER: Your birthday? It’s on the house
ME: [looking up] Do you have a ladder or
Kid: “I want to be a doctor when I grow up.”
Mom: “You can’t. Your hands aren’t cold enough.”
ME: Guess who was just promoted to be the new CEO!
COWORKER: Amanda.
ME: Why would you assume it’s a man?
I was feeling really, really stupid today. And then I remembered that there are probably other people out there that also feel really, really stupid. And I felt a little better. Thanks everyone.
Guys, please help. My son accidentally started a sentence without saying “mom” first, and then he kind of short circuited…? What do I do?
Dammit, I forgot which one I left my key under.
I watched Mad Max and now I’m riding my dog around my living room using two bananas as guns
Take a selfie with me one last time
-the sign on my casket
Imposter syndrome: I am surrounded by beings of impossible, cosmic intelligence
Also imposter syndrome: I, an incompetent, have tricked them all
John Bobbitt: How long has it been since you last did one of these, doc?
Plastic Surgeon: Well, it has been a while. But I’m sure I can re-member.
“boys are only interested in one thing” yes and that thing is artisanal olive oils
ME: sure, but how often do you come across a good peephole?
HER: I asked if you were a “people” person
ME: ohhh…definitely not
There’s way too much blood in my alcohol system today
yes 911 i need to report a kidnapping. lol yeah there’s a baby goat asleep in my lap. no dont send cops you’ll wake him up
My wife after pulling weeds… I want a goat
“I am the way and the truth and the life and the muthafuckin’ shizznit.” (Snoop 4:20).
me: ok so imagine if you were a horse—
my sister: bold of you to assume i’m not, but continue