BRAIN: here comes a compliment guys
HEART: yay!
ANXIETY: idk about this
INSECURITY: [bats it away] close one
You Might Also Like
I try not to snack at night, but the cheese in my fridge haunts me. What if I die in my sleep and NO ONE EATS IT?
wife:
Where are the powdered doughnuts?me:
[Museum]
Guard: Ma’am, please don’t touch the statue.
Me: But I’m almost finished painting her toenails.
Walmart customers are classless.
You shouldn’t drink Cabernet from a Pringle’s can.
Those cans are meant strictly for Pinot Noir.
WIFE: I regret getting you that blender for Christmas.
ME: {drinking toast} Why?
Don’t believe that bullshit.
Failure is ALWAYS an option.
3 unravelled an entire toilet roll when I wasn’t looking so I wrapped him in it, stood him in the corner of the bathroom and told him to spin round slowly when someone needs to use it
When you unfollow someone it should pop up with a list of other idiots to unfollow
Secure web server:
> Email/password please.
Insecure web server:
> I just don’t know if I’m good enough…am I?
Police Officer: i will arrest anyone who had a hand in this
Puppeteer: [visibly sweating] oh no
beef jerky is more expensive than regular beef pound-for-pound so my salary should increase when i’m dehydrated it’s simple economics
Normal stickers: I peel off easy.
Stickers on things you buy: lol stop it that tickles.
may I borrow your hand mixer? I found a pumpkin carving hack that will destroy mine.
Me: This escape room is really hard.
Guard: I said lights out!
Me: Excuse me Father, what’s the Wifi password?
Priest: We’re in Church!
Me: Oh I’m sorry. What’s the Wifi password, Amen.
If you crush Cheez-Its and snort them, they become Sneez-Its.
I wouldn’t want lesbian parents. Not because I’m homophobic. I just don’t want to get stuck in an endless loop of “Go ask your mother.”
A reboot of Dexter, but this time he stalks and kills people who crunch their disposable water bottles as they drink.
My husband decided to surprise us by coming home a day early from his business trip.
The real surprise was how quickly we made it look like we didn’t just eat, drink & binge-watch every show in his absence.
I’m opening a secret ice cream club called The Inside Scoop
What if all the snakes on that plane were emotional support snakes?
“Your guy is late.”
“It’s only been five minutes, chill.”
“Something doesn’t feel right.”
“Everything’s fine, Dave.”
“You sure this is the spot?”
“Yes.”
“And you know this guy is cool?”
“Yes, just relax.”
“Don’t give him the money until-”
“Until I see the kibble, yes I know.”
K1: Frankincence
K2: Myrrh
K3: Gold
K1 & K2: WHAT?
K3: Gold
K1: We said £20 each!
K3: I..
K1: I hate you
K3: Wrap it from all of us?
I don’t know why they are called smart phones, I dropped mine in the toilet and it didn’t even try to get out.
Ok I’ve been on tinder, bumble and hinge. Any dating apps for single people?
At what point were people buying hotcakes so fast it set the bar?
in the original Little Mermaid, Flounder was meatier. if you saw him on someone’s plate on a restaurant you’d go “i’ll have THAT.” This new one does not look appetizing and could not satisfy me.
A Hallmark movie where the heroine is such a Karen that she ruins Christmas, the adorable son of the widower tells her to go back to her law firm in the city, and ends with the whole town chasing her with pitchforks.
[Father’s Day]
ME: I got you this meat thermometer. Hopefully it works well…
DAD: Hopefully it works medium and rare too!
We met for coffee yada yada yada next thing I know we’re in the back of my car covered in lobsters and her dog is driving us to the ER