Brain: I see you’re trying to sleep. Let me ruin your night by playing your worst memory from high school.
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A scrub is a guy who thinks he’s fly.
[I scramble to take off my full-body fly costume]
The only reason I’d want to go to heaven is to speak to the manager.
Wind In The Willows: Choosing Nicknames:
Ratty: I’ll be The Ratster!
Toad: I’ll be The Toadster!
Mole: I’ll be The Molest… I’ll be Moley.
I’m the Cinderella of finding one shoe at a sale and not finding the other and losing my own along the way.
sorry I’m late. I tripped on my cat and so had to kiss him for 45 minutes
[watching basketball]
I bet these guys all have really big *husband stares at me* feet.
And that’s how you get him to turn off the game.
Haha no way, you’re an 1/16th Polish AND a 1/3rd Irish???
Damn I must be part goldfish bc I don’t remember asking 🤷♂️🤷♂️🤷♂️
“If I act like I’m asleep he’ll leave, If I act like I’m asleep he’ll leave, if I act like I’m asleep he’ll leave” – Me getting pulled over
No no, I’m not going to pay for these hot wings, I discovered them and you JUST GOT COLUMBUSED
Roomba should have a laundry function where it goes around your house picking up clothes off the floors and delivers them to your washing machine.
Oh sorry I can’t right now. I’m imagining some things and worrying about them
I think High School birth control classes should just be forcing the students to watch videos of me taking my 3 kids to the grocery store
ME [licking my fingers clean]: do you have a plate for the bones
CORONER: what the hell have you done
Some of my friends exercise every day, meanwhile I’m watching a show I don’t like because the remote fell on the floor.
No, autocorrect, switching “generics” to “gerbils” in the message I sent to my doctor without proofreading first was actually extremely helpful, thank you for that.
There are times I stare at my kids thinking how amazing they are and then realize it’s because they are napping.
It’s not the amount of followers young GRASSHOPPER.
It’s the quality of followers.
How did human beings express empathy before the phrase “that sucks” was coined?
Me: The dogs ears are so soft!
Wife: I know!
Me: I want to make a pillow out of them
Wife: …..
Me: Not now obviously, like, when he dies
Quit college. Become an oven. Get up to like 500 degrees.
How to Feel Comfortable in Your Own Skin
Step 1: Stop wearing other people’s skin
Well well well, if isn’t the girl who gave me cooties in third grade…
Whenever I need a good laugh…
…I start reading suggested serving sizes.
[in ambulance]
“Can you describe the snake that bit you?”
Yes it was like an angry rope
Unlike the brain, the stomach alerts you when it’s empty.
Nightmares are so embarrassing bro, like u literally made up a guy and got scared of him.
Guy Fieri got into a fistfight with his hairdresser. I guess he finally looked in a mirror and saw what the dude’s been doing to his hair.
The past couple of nights, I’ve been partying like it’s 1999. But it’s not 1999. It’s 2018, and my body is furious.
Therapist: Ok *sigh*, what is it this week?
Me: Same issue. I just can’t get past the breakup. It still seems surreal.
Therapist: Look, we’ve been over this repeatedly. Yugoslavia is not getting back together