Brain: If we leave now we’ll be on time for once.
Body: Ten more minutes then.
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[cornerman sitting me down after the first round] ya gotta stop telling him you’re diabetic he doesn’t care
If by cleaning the house you mean did I light a scented candle then yes I cleaned the house
Turns out that the best way to find a flat head screw driver is to pretend to look for a phillips one.
A moment of silence please. Not for anyone in particular, everyone just shut up.
The only thing longer than a minute left on the microwave is a minute on the treadmill.
I would explain it to you but I’m all out of puppets and crayons.
Paula Hawkins: What should I call my book about a girl on a train?
Publicist: Let’s call the guy who named the movie ‘Snakes On A Plane’.
[slides note under neighbor’s door]
reboot your wifi
Interviewer: how would you describe your conflict resolution style?
Me: *panicking* coniferous
We were at the mall and I saw a guy with an eye patch, my wife grabbed my arm and dragged me away before I could ask him if he had a wooden leg.
[boardroom]
“Now hear me out. They’re Teenage..”
Ok
“Mutant..”
I like where this is going
“Ninja..”
Noun me, Graham!
“Turtles”
You’re fired
In every artist’s depiction of a meteor that caused the extinction of the dinosaurs, there’s always one T-Rex looking up at it like “That can’t be good.”
Necessity is the mother of Invention.
And there are also lots of other people in my family with stupid names.
Of course I can handle constructive criticism
*resents you for the next 50 yrs
Just ruined another 3yo’s life by failing to find a non existent toy they didn’t bring to school
I put the mess in domestic.
Why did the man with no hands go to the doctor?
Because he didn’t feel well.
WIFE: I don’t like pre Christmas, mainly because I’m so bad at buying presents.
ME: You just put them on the counter and give the checkout person money, Sharon.
HER: I hate you.
*listening to music at the beach*
6yo: Dad, can you play Baby Shark?
Me: No, I don’t have that song I can’t play it.
6yo: You can play it you just don’t want to hear it so you’re lying.
Me: That is correct, yes.
Both her name and her living situation suggests that the dwarves MAY have been referring to Snow White when they sang, ‘high ho.’
Before I was married people told me about date night but they never mentioned it just meant folding laundry together
Called in, “I can either stay home today and learn to play this accordion or bring it in with me. Your call.”
If history has taught me anything, it’s that the person with the loudest, wettest cough will always sit down beside me in a waiting room.
so, is there a mister shapen head
“Get a parrot,” they said. “It’ll be fun,” they said. “Get a parrot,” the parrot said. “It’ll be fun,” the parrot said.
Me *swallows pride*
Baby lion: holy shit
What do you call a man with no car???
…an Uber.
I’m a Lit major. I did my thesis on why my car is in the front yard and I’m sleeping with my clothes on.
My husband told me today’s Wordle word as soon as I woke up, so he’s up for grabs if anyone’s interested.
Sometimes I think about starting a podcast and then I remember all I do during conversations is nod.