Brain: no
Heart: yes
Foot: don’t ask me I’m a foot
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me: “i taught this chimp to say words”
chimp: “nice haircut”
reporter: “oh my god.. does he know anything else?”
me: “sarcasm apparently”
I’m a human alarm clock so when I wake up this early for no reason, I punch myself in the face to turn myself off.
WIFE: How’s the ventriloquism going?
ME: Not good.
WIFE: But I got you that Ventriloquism For Dummies book.
ME: I don’t think he read it.
Friendship: because I’ve said many dumb things & you acted like they were TED talks
If you watch Wall-E backwards its about a little robot that would rather live alone forever than deal with fat people.
At the age where a big break could mean either my career or a hip
I think my toddler said her first three word sentence today. I was so proud! I asked her if she wanted a hug and she said “no want it!”
My son just told me everyone wishes they had a mother like me and I don’t know if I should hug him or ask him what the hell he did wrong.
You should marry the first person who can understand what you’re saying while you brush your teeth.
A new restaurant in my neighborhood offers a tasting menu but it just tasted like paper to me.
*first day using my sith power*
“Hey stormtrooper, stop hitting yourself!”
i forgot my date’s name so i took her to Starbucks
I refuse to clean my house before you arrive because it perpetuates our slavery to capitalism. Just kidding, I’ve vacuumed the attic in case you wanted to see our 15 year old baby gates.
If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
Why didn’t any of Spider-man’s enemies attack him with an enormous broom.
ME: you’re acting strange what’s wrong
HER: oh I think I have a stomach bug
ME: ᵀᴱᴸᴸ ᴹᴱ ᴹᴼᴿᴱ ᴮᵁᵀ ᵂᴿᴵᵀᴱ ᴵᵀ ᴰᴼᵂᴺ ˢᴼ ᵀᴴᴱʸ ᴰᴼᴺᵀ ᴴᴱᴬᴿ
I built an electric fence around my house. My neighbour is dead against it.
[At my seance]
Friend 1: *pulling away from ouija
Shit…That’s definitely himFriend 2: How can you tell?
F1: He spelled “your” wrong.
ALLOW CURSE WORDS IN THE SPELLING BEE ALREADY, GIVE THE LITTLE NERDS A THRILL
I’m a social vegan, I don’t like meet.
The irish goodbye: leave without telling anyone
The Midwest goodbye: stand around for 4-8 more hours saying goodbye to the entire party
“We were convinced it was Monica from Friends,” said one scientist who asked to not be named
I missed a swipe when shaving my legs and now my leg has a mohawk
HER: *Crying* Then after the car accident my dog died, and—
ME: Hey, hey… *puts hand on her shoulder* This is a bad story. You’re telling a bad story.
Can we all just agree that nothing needs to be connected to Facebook ever?
[Boss’ office]
“You’re late AGAIN.”
Drove back for my phone.
“Why do need it at work?”
It’s all I do.
“WHAT?”
I said, IT’S NICE TO SEE YOU.
Geesh you avoid someone for 6 months and right away they assume you ghosted them.
Get your hero name by doing something brave and seeing what the newspapers call you.
I’m Local Man.
Me: Your conspiracy theory is stupid.
Me anytime something weird happens in my house: It was a ghost. It’s the only logical explanation.
Me: I’m going to be healthy
Breakfast: fruit
Lunch: sandwich
Dinner: salad
Midnight: large pizza, mac & cheese, a gallon of ice cream