Brain: She’s cute, talk to her…
Me: but what should I say?
Brain: ask her if she likes meat…
Me: What?
Brain: c’mon man, do it…
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I got carded at the liquor store. While getting my ID out my Blockbuster card fell out. He laughed and said “Never mind.”
[on the sidelines at a college football game]
me: d-e-f-e-n-s-e, what’s that spell
crowd: *not paying attention*
me: d-e-f-e-n-s-e! what’s that spell!
crowd: *still not paying attention*
me: c’mon what’s that spell, i have a test on monday
The cops say I have to stop trying to fist fight the guy who tries to feed my house letters everyday.
This isn’t working out. You’re one of those “talk it out” types and I just want to slam cabinet doors and fantasize about a garden full of hard-to-detect poisonous plants.
*Weird bird sound in the distance*
4 year old: “what’s that ?”
Me who knows nothing about birds: “well that’s a juvenile red tailed warbler thing a majig calling out to its mom for a snack”
4: nods head knowingly with a head full of misinformation
I hate being woken up so if you find me sleeping, let me rest. If you can’t follow that simple rule, next time just hire another pilot.
If I ask for directions and you answer me with cardinal ones, you should know that I will get lost… I need concrete references, like “across from the red house with a crocked tree, 2 blocks from a dead squirrel, turn right when you see the old lady that drinks Shiners at 7am”.
What’s your standard response when you’re using a public restroom and someone knocks on the door? Because I just knocked on one and the person inside simply KNOCKED BACK. This feels like a game changer.
After announcing our weight at birth, parents shouldn’t stop. If they announced it at every birthday, we’d all be a lot skinnier.
Is not cake Is cake
But IS cake But is NOT cake
[I appear in 1985]
SCIENTIST: I have summoned you from the future with my time machine. What can you tell me of the years to come?
ME: Uh…hmm…uh…
SCIENTIST: You can’t think of anything?
ME: *snaps fingers, points at scientist* Nelly Furtado is like a bird
I wish you’d told me you were happy just flirting on twitter. I’ve already bought plane tickets and murdered my wife.
Thinking about the time I told my husband, “I kinda wanna domesticate a raccoon” and he sincerely sighed and said, “I know, I worry about that”
Me:*typing furiously* I’ve bypassed the firewall and I’m hacking into the mainframe now
Arby’s customer: So is my order placed or not
Me: No
I didn’t hit him with my car…
I massaged him with my wheels.
Why would I pay for a haunted house when I can wake up to my kid silently standing by my bed at 5 AM.
*tides knock down my sand castle*
Me: [looks up at moon] now it’s personal [loads pistol]
Ghost hunters use special cameras made specifically for taking soulfies.
Someone already tweeted it’s hot outside.
Delete your tweet.
I was hoping to lose weight when I quit drinking, but it turns out that’s not how pregnancy works.
I’d probably hike more if there was a lemonade stand every mile or two that served burgers.
I think when you get your photo taken for your driver’s license they should squirt you in the face with a water gun. Then your picture will have that annoyed and upset look to match when the cop pulls you over
Dear prisoners: How about liquid soap?
You’re welcome.
I make all guests at my house leave their phones at the door just because I know they’ll leave quicker that way.
Me: will the kids ever be on time to school?
Magic 8 Ball: *laughs hysterically*
Me: I’ll take $50 bucks on pump 1 please
Bartender: get your mouth off the keg sir
The inside of my closet looks like a doctor prescribed me cardigans
Plastic bags biodegrade quicker than my mum getting to the point on the phone.
I was on a date and a Tampax Pearl fell out of the girl’s purse at the restaurant and I got so awkward because I’ve never dated a rich girl before.