Brain: “something is wrong”
Me: “what is it?”
Brain: “you gotta guess ”
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I’m completely over my ex, is the name of my poem to her
*job interview*
Boss: Give an example of when you’ve done something creative
Me: When I listed my ‘experience’ on the application form
My boyfriend asked me why I bother watching cooking shows when I cant cook so I asked why he bothered watching porn.
Having someone sing you to sleep is sooo comforting . . . until you realize you are the only one in the room.
*catcher puts 1 finger down*
*pitcher shakes head*
*puts 2 fingers down*
*nods*
(catcher to umpire)
“can we take a break? he has to poop”
The sun is 100% solar-powered.
WIFE: what’s going on?
ME: [locking the door] I haven’t had an apple in 3 days
DOCTOR: [outside, stethoscope in hand] I can hear u breathing
[bank heist get away]
Chad the Thief: I can’t believe…
Gary the driver: Look, it’s the only vehicle I could get.
Chad: But an ice cream van…
Gary:
Chad: Can you at least turn the music off?
If you spotted a white guy with headphones throwing gang signs on the subway today, that was just me listening to the soundtrack of Frozen
[Skype]
ME: Finally I see your face and wow.
HIM: [naked] Where are you?!
ME: Starbucks. Wanna meet a few friends? They like your tweets.
I grew up before google, and as a kid I didn’t know bread was slang for money. Spent my childhood wondering why they put bread in Billy Joel’s jar.
Boy, ISIS are going to be pissed when they find out New Atheists talk about God more than them.
me: we need to go to the ATM machine
thomas: lol ATM machine. isnt that a bit redundant you idiot
me (thinking about my Automatic Thomas Murdering machine): this is why we need to go to the ATM machine
He’s like the ocean
Deep and dirty
Welcome to Insomnia Club. God dammit Bob. BOB. Steve wake Bob up. Steve?
EVERY picture my husband takes of me is like
they finally got him. they got macavity
I’ve had 3 Red Bulls today and now I can taste my heartbeat.
Spent the entire day trying to improve the phrase “if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it”.
Sorry honey, I didn’t get you anything for Valentine’s Day.
Wife: It’s not until next week…
[one week later]
Sorry honey, I didn’t…
When you let grandma cat sit
My doctor pulled me aside and asked why I had so many scratches on me and never in my life have I felt more like a teenage boy than when I sheepishly explained it was because last weekend was wrestlemania and I was practicing wrestling moves with my friend.
If you really want to impress me with the year a bottle of wine was made, bring me one from 2024….
Me *secures my kid’s seat belt*
My kid: Are we there yet?
I saw a diaper ad that said 25-30lbs but I honestly don’t think my kid can poop that much
First they make you step on the scale, and then they announce your weight out loud. It’s like the assistants at the doctor’s office don’t know anything about women.
Christ it is annoying when my parents need help on their failing farm. I always get there and theres a hunk with a toolbox whos like “I’m helping your parents now, with my tools” and I’m like “get out of here!” and then we do end up falling into a marriage. every spring with this
Was today a good day? No.
BUT
Did I manage to make it through the whole day without running over my own purse with my car?
Also no.
Who decided that the abbreviation for pound should be two letters it doesn’t contain?