Brain: stop eating!
Me: why
B: you’ll get fat
M: so?
B: there’s only enough vodka to catch a buzz on an empty stomach!
M: oh *stops eating*
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Black licorice tastes like Satan himself made candy and then it expired.
AI could never write that episode of Bones where the serial killer imprinted malware onto the victim’s bones, so when they got scanned in the lab the computers got a virus and set themselves on fire
Me: Ok I’ll be back in 3 hours.
Boss: No, do it in your own time please.
Me: Ok I’ll be back in 12 Flinglongs.
“but you said you were right around the corner.” Let me stop you right there. I never said what corner
November is the Sunday of months. no I will not explain
I’m running on 3 hours of poor sleep, this has to be how people end up at the drive-thru wedding chapels.
Asteroid the size of two Newfoundland Dogs or five Goldendoodles or 12 Corgis or 27 Chihuahuas strikes earth off the coast of Iceland.
*watching my wife’s bra moving up and down on the floor by itself*
ME: Hon, wtf?
HER: push up bra
Yelp review: This forest is so full of trees you can’t see a damn thing. Also, bugs. 0/10
As a kid I had an imaginary friend, Jerry Lapston. He had a backstory and everything. The funniest thing though was that my little brother wanted a friend too, and in a moment of youthful innocence came up with the best creepy imaginary friend name ever: Uncle Bathingsuit
Fill in the blank song lyric “You are always on my __________”…
Wrong answers only !
Peter Parker Peter Driver
dumbledore, completely wasted: I should have know you’d be here professor mcgonagall
some random cat:
Did you ever see someone yawn, and then yawn yourself? That psychological reaction is a phenomenon known as: “Katherine Heigl movies.”
Me, telling the kids were eating Mexican tonight.
13, on phone with friend: We’re going to eat chinchillas for dinner…
Me: CHIMICHANGAS!! It’s chimichangas not chinchillas…🤦🏻♀️
Okie dokie folks *pokes around the ol’ computer* I think I’m in the “dark web.” Do I use tabs or open stuff in a new win- HOLY SMOKES THAT’S NOT HOW YOU USE A PAN FLUTE
Give a man a fish, he eats today.
Teach a man to fish, he gets drunk in a boat.
Hot air balloon operator: How long a ride do you want?
Me: Can we stay up for 12 to 18 months?
Nobody:
My 6yr old talking to himself on the toilet: everyday I gotta get up for school. & then everyday I’m gonna have to get up for work. When does it end. Did I ask for this? No. I don’t remember that I asked for this. I asked for rest and legos and French toast.
How does Disney decide who needs pants and who doesn’t?
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
SUPER DANCE OFF??
Cop: OH YEAH
OH YEAH?
Cop: No, not really. There’s a warrant for your arrest.
oh no
Never say never. Unless someone asks you when you want to go camping. Then the right answer is always “Never”.
One good thing about astrology, I can tweet something mean about astrology and astrology Twitter is cool with it. Like I can say, “Cut it out, astrology, you’re embarrassing the planets,” and it gets retweeted 10,000 times, and astrology Twitter is just like: “Are you a Scorpio?”
*forgets why I walked into a room*
*remembers lyrics to a song I heard once 20 years ago*
Crude oil is the worst kind of oil because it says offensive things while it pollutes the water and ruins our planet.
Wearing the same outfit two days in a row ’cause I’m practicing to be a cartoon
55 burgers 55 fries 55 tacos 55 fries 55 cokes 100 tater tots 100 pizzas 100 tenders 100 meatballs 100 coffees 55 wings 55 shakes 55 pancakes 55 pastas 55 peppers and 155 taters
Me: I need to make better life choices.
Also me: CAKE FOR BREAKFAST IT IS.
Today I drove through a huge puddle that splashed up under my car and laughed to myself as I whispered, “car bidet.”
#RubbishJokes
Two horses in a field.One says: I’m so hungry I could eat a horse.
The other says: Moo!