@noog

Brain: Talk to that girl.
Me: She’s ugly. You’re drunk.
Brain: No you are.
Me: How many fingers am I holding up?
Brain: 12.
Me: Lucky guess.

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@UnFitz

A shark, a crocodile and a giant spider walk into a bar.

There’s no punchline. It’s just a typical night in Australia.

@jonnysun

*jesus picks up bread*
this is my body
*jesus picks up wine*
this is my blood
*jesus picks up guitar*
this is the STORY OF A GIRL

@BlondAmbitionTO

Why do people leave mattresses on the side of the road? Do they really think someone will take it? Do you think I should wash it first?

@ObscureGent

My daughter says she saw a demon in her room. I’m tweeting this from the safety of my office wishing her a lot of luck.

@ThisLocalHater

Sitting backwards in a chair so that the teens will find me casual and relatable

@danjan13

A third zebra strolls casually while whistling and pretending to read a newspaper onto Noah’s ark.

@DawleyGirl

Dinner conversation:
10YO: What 6 things would you want on a deserted island?
Me: 1) You–
10YO: Seriously? Why would you drag me into that?

@dave_cactus

ME: *robbing bank* More like, I’m BANKing on you not tripping the alarm! Haha!
TELLER: Haha!
COPS: *tackling me from behind* Haha!

@LeonEarlgrey

Don’t bite the hand that feeds you, But don’t bite any other hands either because that is how diseases are spread.

@KentWGraham

If you text your boss that you can’t come in and include the poop emoji, he doesn’t ask any questions.