Brain: Talk to that girl.
Me: She’s ugly. You’re drunk.
Brain: No you are.
Me: How many fingers am I holding up?
Brain: 12.
Me: Lucky guess.

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A shark, a crocodile and a giant spider walk into a bar.

There’s no punchline. It’s just a typical night in Australia.


*jesus picks up bread*
this is my body
*jesus picks up wine*
this is my blood
*jesus picks up guitar*
this is the STORY OF A GIRL


Why do people leave mattresses on the side of the road? Do they really think someone will take it? Do you think I should wash it first?


My daughter says she saw a demon in her room. I’m tweeting this from the safety of my office wishing her a lot of luck.


Sitting backwards in a chair so that the teens will find me casual and relatable


A third zebra strolls casually while whistling and pretending to read a newspaper onto Noah’s ark.


Dinner conversation:
10YO: What 6 things would you want on a deserted island?
Me: 1) You–
10YO: Seriously? Why would you drag me into that?


ME: *robbing bank* More like, I’m BANKing on you not tripping the alarm! Haha!
COPS: *tackling me from behind* Haha!


Don’t bite the hand that feeds you, But don’t bite any other hands either because that is how diseases are spread.


If you text your boss that you can’t come in and include the poop emoji, he doesn’t ask any questions.