-Brain: Too expensive, you’ll never wear it. Don’t buy this dress.
-Heart: But what are you going to wear if someone takes you to a ball in their castle in France?
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Fun Fact:
If you answer your phone, “Christ speaking”, 70% of the callers will hang up on you.
You’re welcome.
I want to be a dog and have someone feed me treats for sitting down.
I’m proud of the fact I’ve never yet lost a fight with a panda.
I don’t know what my husband is planning on doing for me for Mother’s Day but I hope it’s the laundry.
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with a hairless cat.
When the battle starts, but it’s also laundry day
I am in:
🔵 Kentucky
🔵 Texas
🔘 PantsFor the:
🔵 Fried Chicken
🔵 Chainsaw Massacre
🔘 First time in weeks
If you can’t take me at my most inappropriate, you don’t deserve me the other 3 days of the year.
The government says 50 terror plots have been thwarted since NSA surveillance. What a perfectly even, unsuspicious number.
a 3-way standoff between a duck with a laser pointer, a cat with a vacuum cleaner, and a dog with a loaf of bread
“I’m so sorry”
“No, I’m really sorry”
“No, I’m even sorrier than you”
“No, I’m the sorriest ever!”
*mutual hug*
-Canadian rap battle
Him: Is this a sex thing?
Me: *smoothing mashed potatoes over my chest* Ew, no. This is just my tater-top.
How far did I walk away from the sink when I was brushing my teeth? As always, too far.
detective: looks like someone cut the victim open
mortician: that was me
detective: *into wire* we got em
Material Girl is my favorite song about a seamstress.
Looking for a get well soon card but they’re all so inspirational and sappy why not something simple like “I hope you make it through this but if not say what’s up to god for me”
I’m going to throw up in my cat’s bed and see how she likes it
I don’t care how many dictionaries say otherwise, as far as I’m concerned a goatee is someone who’s been goated.
Spoiler alert: Sometimes accountants are boring on purpose because we think it’s funny when we see people’s eyes glaze over.
if you’re ever worried there’s an intruder in your house, shout 69 down the stairs. if no one laughs, there’s no one there
detective: [examining dead body] do we know who he is
me: yeah we got his name from his coffee cup
detective: what was it
me: starbucks
Take your glasses off. Hold them up to a light to see if they’re dirty. Now try to do it with your mouth closed.
<- sleeps well with others
I’ve been online shopping so much, lately Amazon welcomes me with “You again?”
I loved Saint Patrick’s day in Boston it was like if everyone got a concussion during the purge. One year I lost my keys in a pub and a guy gave me one of his keys to make me feel better
A Florida police dog is being fired after biting two people; but to be fair, who wouldn’t want to hurt people from Florida?
How have I got to this age and I still haven’t figured out what you’re supposed to do with your arms when you’re trying to get to sleep.
Parents: Are you eating well at school?
Me: Totally
*Eats sugary cereal for every meal from the dining hall*
My brother’s girlfriend is meeting my family rn & my dad just offered to introduce her to my nana’s ashes, this is the best night of my life