brain: wake up
me: it’s 1:15 am
brain: pick up your phone
me: fine just for a minute
brain: lmao ok
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the first rule of micromanager club is…here, i’ll just show u
this is why you should always wash behind your ears
her: your frog jokes are terrible
me: so i’ve been toad, jen
[First day as an exterminator]
Me: *pointing to giant, dead mouse on floor* He won’t be bothering you anymore.
Chuck E. Cheese Manager: OH MY GOD
Just found out the last message the Mars Rover sent was, “my battery is low and it is getting dark,” and I will be using the same message for anyone who texts me to hang out after 630pm
[showering] *comes up with cure to every disease known to man
[toweling off] Ah towels are fluffy. Duhhh, what was that other thing again?
The book I bought on dog training doesn’t seem to be working. I don’t think she’s even reading it.
AIR STEWARDESS [looks at ticket] just down that way
ME: You mean down the long thin tube with one walkway
A.S: Yes
ME: I’d be lost without u
“I can taste the difference between varieties of brands of mayonnaise”
– my best friend and the whitest man I know
secret recipe
Thank you for the lovely invitation card, I will be using it to remove spiders from my house for the foreseeable future.
i’m really good at reading people’s true feelings from their words. for example, my wife said “i love how you’ll just leave the dirty dishes in the sink and wait for me to do them,” but i was able to determine that she does not, in fact, love that
I wish there was something called the pizza/enchilada/beer diet where you lost weight. Cause I’m on it and that’s not what’s happening.
The way I dealt with that unexpected cobweb to the face tells me I probably wouldn’t have been much use in Vietnam.
[being chased round my house by a murderer]
ME: PLEASE STOP THIS IS SENSELESSMURDERER: What?
ME: [puts Fitbit on] Ok carry on
screaming until I turn this migraine into an us-graine 😉
[Wife walks in wearing nothing but whipped cream]
Oh my god, Linda, it’s like you’ve never even heard of ants.
I never understand why do people whisper at funeral’s ? The most important guy at this party is dead he can’t hear you.
Wife: WHY are the boys wearing fishnet stockings?
Me: You SAID they needed to learn how to Cher.
And then the devil said, “leave her on read.”
ME: *reading a tweet* What does fr mean?
WIFE: For real
ME: Yes Sharon. I wouldn’t ask if I didn’t want to know.
Everyone needs to eat healthier. Except the guy sitting next to me loudly eating an apple. That guy should be in prison.
HUSBAND: Do you want to
ME: *interrupts* Nope.
HUSBAND: I didn’t say anything yet.
ME: Sorry, go ahead.
HUSBAND: Would you like to go
ME: *interrupts* Nope.
The only thing we know for certain about Macron is that he is 39 years old and even that will probably change next year.
I’m famous people used to have talent years old.
Where do storm troopers sit when they go to church?
In a pewpewpew
computer: “save this image as 6606499f1e5c84d7c30.png?”
me: “yea”
Me: what’s the first thing you want to do after the quarantine?
Wife: get a babysitter.
Cop: GET DOWN ON THE GROUND
Me: I didn’t do…
Cop:*cuffing me* Dispatch, we have a creepy clown in custody
Me: These are my regular clothes
Just got your text from last night: you need to cut the red wire first to stop the countdown.