Brain: Walk up to her and offer her a drink.
Me: I WANT TO DRINK YOU LIKE A SIPPY CUP.
Brain: Can you actually hear me?
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In my 20s: I would never lie to my kids. They will be strong enough to see the world as it is.
In my 30s: That’s called Paw Patrol. They only have it at the barber. You can watch it again the next time you get a haircut.
Just took my girlfriend to the movies and now I’m $10,000 in debt.
Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
Humans are pretty civilized until a t-shirt is being thrown into a crowd.
Stop staring at my chest! Geez dude, it’s like you’ve never seen toilet paper before!
Someone said “30 years ago”, and my mind went to the 1970s, but they meant 1994, and now I need to lie down.
My girlfriend told me she needed a hip replacement. So I found a vegan yoga instructor that let’s me do whatever I want.
I can’t wait til my kids become adults so I can go over their houses & throw clean laundry all over the floor.
I apologize for pinching your lips closed when you started telling me about your kids
At what point were people buying hotcakes so fast it set the bar?
I don’t date men unless they have tentacles. It’s called having standards.
the difference between cupcakes and your opinion is that I asked for cupcakes
I’ve never been to hell, but I once forgot to buy batteries for my 6 year old son’s toys on Christmas morning.
nothing makes me want to hold onto the stuff I no longer use more than when my wife tells me she’s putting it in the garage sale
*Runs across campus to get to class on time*
Whew! I made it!
*Sits in the back and browses Twitter for an hour and a half*
[1st date]
Me: I don’t mind admitting I find these fancy menus confusing. What does that say?
Her: chicken
Me: no, after that
Her: nuggets
i wish jigglypuff was real imagine how well rested you could be all the time
My 5yo just told me all about one of his favorite classes: cafeteria
What’s that, Lassie? Timmy’s in trouble? His marriage is falling apart? He’s having an existential crisis? I’ve got my own problems, Lassie.
My husband and I make a good team. I’m about to start cooking Thanksgiving dinner, and he’s taking the batteries out of the smoke detectors.
Me: I’ve reached the point of no return.
Librarian: Nice try, pal.
Sorry I declined your Facebook friend request, but I can’t have those sideburns popping up in my news feed unannounced.
Yes opposites attract, my husband dunks basketballs and I dunk donuts.
I made a recipe that called for aubergines. The grocery store didn’t have any so I substituted eggplants.
Your head is basically just the smartest part of your body wrapped in the spookiest part of your body.
Make fun of Kim Kardashian’s name choice for North West if you want, but that baby is going straight up. And slightly to the left.
I want my funeral to have invitations with RSVP requests so my introvert friends can decline but still feel good about being invited.
My muffin top has become a full blown birthday cake.
Me: not today, anxiety!
My kids: hold my koolaid..
The remote isn’t working! And the TV’s stuck on Food Network again!
“Are you in the kitchen?”
Yes.
“Honey, that’s the microwave.”