Brain: Walk up to her and offer her a drink.
Brain: Can you actually hear me?

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HER: You’ve run over my dog
ME: I’m so sorry
HER: You’re gonna have to replace him
ME: [imagines finally being called a good boy] yes please


A woman at work told me I look younger with my glasses off. I told her she looked younger with my glasses off, too.


Realized I never said “unquote” after reciting a famous poem in 10th grade. Sorry if you thought everything I’ve said since is Shakespeare


Whenever people say “anything is possible”, I think about trying to staple pudding to a tree.


You left a note on the fridge saying “This isn’t working. Goodbye” but I opened it and it was working perfectly well. I don’t get it.


Him: Productive conference call?

Me: Hell yeah. I painted my toes, posted 6 pictures on IG, and got in one solid nap.


If human civilization had a narrator it would just be some guy repeating “Little did they know…” over and over and over.


Walking into WalMart with my kids, “Remember, kids – use your Target voices.”


I can really relate to eminem in “8 mile” because my moms spaghetti is really bad too