@ArfMeasures HER: You’ve run over my dog
ME: I’m so sorry
HER: You’re gonna have to replace him
ME: [imagines finally being called a good boy] yes please
@Breadery Brain: Walk up to her and offer her a drink.
Me: I WANT TO DRINK YOU LIKE A SIPPY CUP.
Brain: Can you actually hear me?
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@ArfMeasures 
@WilliamAder A woman at work told me I look younger with my glasses off. I told her she looked younger with my glasses off, too.
@abbycohenwl Realized I never said “unquote” after reciting a famous poem in 10th grade. Sorry if you thought everything I’ve said since is Shakespeare
@UnicornSyrup Whenever people say “anything is possible”, I think about trying to staple pudding to a tree.
@Valdemort_Arg You left a note on the fridge saying “This isn’t working. Goodbye” but I opened it and it was working perfectly well. I don’t get it.
@legsandsass <—– gave a man a heart attack by admitting he was right
@LindaInDisguise Him: Productive conference call?
Me: Hell yeah. I painted my toes, posted 6 pictures on IG, and got in one solid nap.
@PajamaStew If human civilization had a narrator it would just be some guy repeating “Little did they know…” over and over and over.
@LindaInDisguise Walking into WalMart with my kids, “Remember, kids – use your Target voices.”
@NoTheOtherJohn I can really relate to eminem in “8 mile” because my moms spaghetti is really bad too