TSA agent: Did you leave your baggage unattended?
Me: *Thinks about crushing weight of all previous life experiences* Nope got it all here with me
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[Confessional Booth]
Catholic: I’ve done a terrible thing, will I still make it into Heaven?
Me, as a priest: *shakes Magic 8 Ball* My sources say no.
Kmart is closing 108 stores putting 16 cashiers out of work.
How did so many people gain weight during the pandemic when salad was the only thing stores never ran out of?
Divorce update: my ex is accusing me of stealing canned soup from our former home
Her: You’re perfect as you are, don’t ever change a thing.
[later]
Her: Er, that didn’t include your underwear…
DAD: you need to look out for people
ME: yes we’re all in this together
[thump thump]
ME [slams on brakes] omg what was that?!
DAD: as I was saying
*phone rings
15: I hope it’s him!
*phone rings
25: hope it’s about the job
*phone rings
35: (handing phone to stranger) i died. tell them
There’s a bald spot in my yard so I’m gonna let the grass around it grow really long and then do a comb-over.
The plumber came to fix the toilet & said, “Where is the water main?” so I turned on the tap & said, “Right here, main.”
[hardware store]
Me: Let me do the talking. This is man stuff
Wife: Fine
Clerk: Can I help you?
Me: I need a whacker thingy to hit nails
Whoa new Barbie movie cast is stacked
Superman’s Google searches:
“Strongest hero”
“Strongest hero. Not Hulk”
“Fastest hero”
“Fastest hero. Not Flash”
“Phone booth for sale”
I’m not seeing “cat herder” on any of these job websites.
speed dating but it’s just me changing tables at a restaurant every few minutes trying a bite of everyone’s food
[emerging from a ten year coma]
my dad: look who finally got up
There’s no such thing as a 10 second rule, with a 5 second dog.
Gonna say don’t look a gift horse in any orifice
[at a Doja Cat concert]
me [loudly]: PSPSPSPSPS
*couple’s marriage begins to fall apart*
*marriage counselor blows on them like an N64 cartridge*Okay how about now
I will walk by you fifty times to make sure you know I’m ignoring you.
Sick and tired of my bank account taking a hit whenever I buy stuff.
1st grade: Color inside the lines.
10th grade: Color outside the lines.
Art School: Snort the lines and then go color.
He always wanted a surprise gift wrapped up in a big red bow.
*carefully arranges shiny red ribbon around a wriggling porcupine*
Her: I hate organized religion
Me *trying to unnoticeably re-jumble my religion drawer*: psh, oh yeah, me too
I got mad at a rock today.
I chopped it in half with my lightsaber.
Now there are two rocks.
Send help. Now.
Baby, tonight let’s put the kids to bed, pour some wine, turn the lights down low & argue over whose turn it is to move the Elf on the Shelf
My dog: I need to go out
Me: it’s raining
Dog: out NOW
M: Okay but it’s raining
Dog: *walks outside* oh shit, it’s raining
Pack a bag, we’re going on a tangent.
Give a fish a worm, he lives another day
Teach a fish to worm, he becomes the best breakdancing fish around
ME: I really love motorsport.
DATE: Do you like F1?
ME: I like all the function keys.