BRAIN: you need to let loose a little, have some fun
ME: rainbow colored goldfish crackers it is
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What do we want?
An Iphone for fat fingers!
When do we want it?
BOW!
If you yell “DIE” when killing a spider, it dies faster.
My wife was shocked when she found out I was a bad electrician.
Keeping an extra close eye on 7 since she said that The Grinch is good at everything after she watched him spin his head around
My 5 year old thinks that there’s a monster under his bed so I assured him that it won’t get him as long as he stays in bed until 8AM.
“I hate confrontation”
“No, you don’t”
wife’s facebook post: so proud of 8, he’s trying so hard in school! mama loves you!
wife’s text to me: he failed gym. gym!! i need a drink
If you’ve never seen your woman truly pissed at you, it’s obvious you’ve never used her sewing scissors to cut paper.
I was having sex with this woman for 10 minutes before I realized it was a man, and then for like 20 minutes after.
Alcohol is a misunderstood vitamin.
I washed my antibiotic pills down with a probiotic shake and now I’m back to square one.
I don’t know who needs to hear this but if you have a flock of sheep that’s having trouble with foxes/dogs get an alpaca. The alpaca will happy join the flock as a ‘long sheep’ and will kick the shit out of anyone who messes with its gang.
Source: grew up on a farm.
BRUCE LEE: Be formless, shapeless, like water.
HARPER LEE: Things are never as bad as they seem.
PARSLEY: I am a stalk vegetable.
Been considering dipping my toe back in the dating pool lately so naturally I’m binge-watching serial killer stuff to bring me back to my senses.
I think Jesus would have killed it at water skiing
I’ve accepted that I’ll never know how that M+ button on a calculator works.
My pal said, “Cheer up, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water.”
I know he means well.
HIM: *turning the heat down* You have the heat too high!
HER: *turning it up* No, YOU have the heat too LOW!
MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: Stop that, this is my office.
Me: How dilated is she?
Nurse: 4 centimeters.
Me: This is America.
Nurse: 0.000198838 furlongs.
Dogs lick each other’s butts to tell each other they like them. Just like politicians
“I should probably start filling this thing out.”
-I say about my son’s baby memory book on his wedding day.
This hasn’t helped my bull get any sleep at all. In fact, the closer I get to him with the bulldozer, the more agitated he gets.
They say a glass of water before meals helps curb your appetite. I’ve found donuts also work very well.
I’m not antisocial. I’m anti-idiot.
Tai Chi is so crazy because it’s like throwing a slow motion tantrum.
[son sees me sleeping outside]
son: did you call mom the n word again
me: but she IS a nagger
Cop: Tell me your alibi for last night, or you’re going to prison
Me (watched Fight Club with Voldemort): oh no
All 3 kids need braces so I explained to them that they will have beautiful teeth but no further education.
Some of you have never been told to ‘Leave room for the Holy Spirit’ by an old nun with a ruler while slow-dancing to Boyz 2 Men at your Grade 8 dance and it shows
9-year-old: Why do we have to dress up for church?
Me: To show God we have our act together.
9: But he knows we’re lying.