Brain: You’ve got ONE shot at this.
Me: Ready.
Brain: Go talk to her.“YOUR HAIR IS THE COLOR OF HONEY CAN I TASTE IT?!?”
Brain: Magical!
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My wife got an organic, free-range, non-GMO, antibiotic-free turkey for Thanksgiving — and every one of those adjectives added 20 bucks.
[at a wedding]
*bridesmaids walk to stage*
5 year old: Does he get to pick?
If you ever want to defeat your enemy in battle, just throw a waterlogged nerf football at their head.
I bought a formal gown simply because it had pockets.
looking back on it, it’s even funnier how those celebrities decided it was time to sing us that “Imagine” montage after being stuck inside for like 36 hours
The little toadstool has spoken.
The more dinner parties you host for your family of porcelain dolls, the more real their laughter and conversations become…but they still won’t pick you up at the airport.
“People who shed hair should clean up their hair”
14yo horrified, cleaning bathrooms for the first time in his life.
*brings vasectomy paperwork to speed dating*
The trail I take walks on has about 25 yards next to a road so I run during that part because obviously.
me: brush your teeth
my kids: how fricking dare you want me to continue to have teeth
Why are you charging me $3.99 to watch a movie from 2006? I feel like I’m doing you the favor.
Looks like someone’s thrown Yoda through a window.
Leave ‘em wanting more. That’s what I always
*puts nose where it doesn’t belong
*is caught with hand in cookie jar
*loses head
*makes elbow macaroni
*gets fired by funeral home
If by “social butterfly” you mean I will take off when you come near me, then yep.
Camp counselors who choose to have our kids make slime and bring it home in their backpacks. Why do you hate us?
*tornado warning*
*sirens blaring outside*
*every phone in the house beeping emergency alerts*Me, frantic: EVERYONE GET INTO THE BATHTUB!
Son: I’m one of 3 left in this Fortnite game, hang on.
I only ate one meal yesterday. It just lasted for six hours.
A baby was born laughing really hard with it’s fists closed! The confused Doctor unfolded it’s tiny fingers, & found a birth control pill.
boss: you know what’s weird
me: how the flintsones celebrate Christmas even tho they live in 10,000 b.c?
boss: how the flin— yes exactly
Everybody knows Tuesdays are the second marriage of the week. Optimistic. Hopeful. Definitely not like Monday, that so-and-so.
Have you ever been so hungry you’ve eaten fruit
I put my hand upon your hip
And then I steal yo queso dip
I’m about to go on a 6 day trip with 130 teenagers, including a 21 hour bus trip in each direction. Send thoughts, prayers, Monster, and bourbon.
DOCTOR: studies show that social media use reduces attention span
ME: that’s hard to believe
DOCTOR: are you checking your phone?
ME: what?
Captain America: I got the alert, what’s the emergency?
Avengers: Well, it’s snowing, so…
CA [handing over shield]: Last time! Buy a sled!
I told my husband no less than thrice not to get red delicious apples because they are not, in fact, delicious, so you all know what he came home with
Shoutout to the toothpaste stain on my shirt for making it appear that I had a WAY better time this morning than I actually did.