Brains are awesome… I wish everyone had one.
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It’s Cyber Monday, sooo…. what are you wearing?
Bloody Foreigner, coming over here, wanting to know what love is.
“You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take,” I whisper to myself as I hit send on that sixth unanswered text
cop: COME OUT WITH UR HANDS UP
me: NEVER
cop: THIS IS UR LAST CHANCE
me: YOU’LL NEVER TAKE ME ALIVE
cop:
me:
cop: WE HAVE PUPPIES OUT HERE
me: FOR REAL THIS TIME?
age 12: fell off of bike at high velocity onto gravel road. biked 5 miles home
age 42: used wrong pillow. back was nonfunctional for 2 days.
Daylight Saving Time is increasingly hard to notice when my digital are devices are like, “What? Nothing happened. We know what time it is.”
And my stove is left blinking and screaming, “IT HAPPENED! TIME SHIFTED UNNATURALLY! THEY’RE ALL LYING! ONLY I KNOW! ONLY I REMEMBER!”
you’re so tired of people trying to sell you courses that you buy a course to teach you how to reject people selling courses
It’s crazy how my ex was so upset about losing me that he had to build a life with a new woman.
Time is said to be a great healer, which is presumably why the waiting lists are so long.
i’d like to die of natural causes like being stabbed to death by the grand canyon
My phone just autocorrected “Haha” to “Jaja” so I guess I’m Mexican now.
A taser but for people who say “it is what it is”.
If it comes down to Joe Biden vs Donald Trump we should just accept our fates & let a chili dog eating contest determine who’s president.
forgot to decorate for halloween so just gave my 7yo a pomegranate to eat and voilà! murder scene
Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?
Me: ha nice try
I: excuse me?
M: that’s how Lex Luthor beat Superman. I’m not stupid.
HOT LOCAL MOMS IN YOUR AREA ARE WAITING TO TUCK U IN & WILL BE CHECKING THAT TOOTHBRUSH SO GET IN THERE & DO IT RIGHT MISTER
A body cam but for when you send your husband to the grocery store
Relationship status: held a door open for a girl, so she used the other one
7:00AM – I am NOT going to lose my shit & yell at the kids today.
7:15AM – Dammit.
“What should we call ourselves?”
How about 22 pilots?
“Idk. Seems like an awful lot of pilots”
21 pilots?
“Omg”
Maybe Oscar wouldn’t be so grouchy if he lived in a keg instead.
ME [as a kid]: someday, I can go buy beer legally
ME [now]: i just wanna buy marshmallows
Son: What’s this spell? *waves finger wildly in the air*
Me: I’m not sure, bud.
Son: PAY ATTENTION! *aggressively waves finger wildly in the air*
Me: Ummmm, truck?
Son: Were you even looking? Try again. *pointedly waves finger wildly in the air*[repeat ad infinitum]
In a dispute with my neighbour, I dumped a wash basin on his front lawn. If he thinks I’m apologising, he’s got another sink coming.
If my metabolism and serotonin were employees they would have been so fired by now
Just remembered when out of embarrassment I told a train passenger I was crying because my boyfriend dumped me when the real reason was I was listening to the Lion King soundtrack
Sometimes I dream I’m a sherpa. Just sherpa-ing up a large mountain made of cheese.
Sometimes, I feel like everything is garbage & I get overwhelmed but then I imagine how I’d feel if I was a raccoon and suddenly, being surrounded by garbage isn’t so bad. In fact, by raccoon standards, being surrounded by garbage is actually great. Life is about perspective.
My mind: You’re 18…
My body: …minutes from death.
How to open new toy:
1. Cut tape with machete.
2. Take shot.
3. Undo 23,518 twist ties.
4. Take 3 shots.
5. Watch child play with box.