Brains are sexy
Wish everyone had one
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[hears baby crying in the next room]
“It’s ok, I’ll go.”
[gets in car & goes to a motel]
In England, all swans legally belong to the queen.
Geez, I always pictured her as a cat lady.
If I ever get murdered, I want two white women with a podcast to solve it in their free time
Me: I hate how someone keeps putting advertising flyers on my windshield and forcing me to throw them away.
Friend: Flyers for what?
Me: Some club called VIOLATION.
Today my husband ate margarine with a spoon. Long story short, I’m unable to see a future with him. We had a good run.
Sure, sex ed is an important class but if you want teens to fully grasp the consequences of sex, have them spend a few min with a toddler. My 3yo just cried for a solid 20 min cuz I wouldn’t “take the hair off” my head. If that doesn’t convince teens to use condoms, nothing will.
An internet atheist is involved in some kind of drama? No way.
I Photoshop paddington into a movie, game, TV show, or album until I forget: Day 726
my dog when its nice out: *jumps in pond, rolls in dirt, eats goose poo*
when raining: MADAM how DARE u take me into these AWFUL conditions
Hear toddler having meltdown at Target
Me: Parents should control their kids!
Cashier: Isn’t she yours?
Me:
C: I saw her come in with you.
A woman drives into a bar.
It’s cute how alcohol comes in a paper bag so when you hit rock bottom you have something to hyperventilate into.
Opening emails from the school.
“I know we’ve given you no prior notice but tomorrow please can all pupils wear a Roman inspired costume, bring a donation for the Xmas raffle, a gluten free homemade cake for the coffee morning & a thimble containing two droplets of Walrus blood”.
I tend to trust people who reek of garlic.
‘Lady Doritos’ sounds like something Guy Fieri would call his wife when he’s trying to be romantic
I ironed my dress this morning while I was wearing it. So, yes Mensa, I will join your club.
doctor: I’m going to take out your appendix
me: oh okay *shouts at my belly* YOU HAVE A SUITOR
me: so you want to give me a bunch of shit in exchange for my soul?
satan: yup
me: even though it’s lookin like i’m gonna be down there when i die anyway
satan: you got it
me: …are you just like bored or something? what is this?
The news reported a story about an angry woman, in a grocery store, that drop-kicked a cake.
Dear God, woman. Not the cake!
“jogging gives me endorphins”
so does shoplifting. jogging does not give you free mascara.
Me: Haha hate it when I walk into a room and then forget what I came in for.
Executioner: Seriously these are your last words?
sure recipes like “marry me chicken” are cute but where’s the “it’s your turn to clean the bathroom casserole”
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
he had the eyes of a man who just dropped his ice cream
Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?
Me: The company moved.
I: Where?
M: They didn’t tell me.
perhaps my fairy godmother went to the ball herself
sigh
[raises hand in English class]
Why do we need to be learned English?
“Hmm.. Couldn’t have worded that better myself, Luke”
Looks like the concierge is hitting on my wife again but who cares, this cherry danish I’m eating right now is on point nom nom nom!
Wait …
“El Chapo” is a Mexican drug lord ….
and not the guy who’s been stealing
our Chapsticks for years ?
“You gotta try the lobs-”
– I’ll should tell you…
“Yes?”
– We’re not having sex.
“OK.”
– What were you saying?
“The chicken here’s great.”
I wanted to have sex with Uma Thurman until I saw her toes in Kill Bill.