Brands during Pride
You Might Also Like
bouncer: I’m going to have to ask you to leave
me: why
bouncer: I have no idea who you are and this is my trampoline
Johnny Depp is the best actor ever. You can’t even tell he has scissor hands in Pirates of the Caribbean.
DOMINOS PIZZA TRACKER: Your pizza was just flushed down the toilet!
MICHELANGELO: oh hell yeah
If a shark attacks you, punch him in the nose. And if that doesn’t work, use your severed arm to tickle his belly.
If he stars all your photos that means he’s leaving his wife for you, right?
At Christmas, a eight year old asked if I had ever heard of smash bros.
Nope never, let’s play, I’m sure I’ll have beginners luck
“Creation science” has the same intellectual heft as “dragon anatomy”.
why don’t snakes just roll downhill sideways?
Multitasking is key these days. If not during my husband’s work video call, when am I supposed to sport my wedding gown and roll by on a skateboard
Steve Buscemi is the only reported case of the saying “If you keep making that face, it’s going to get stuck that way” being true.
What’s this thing called? I’m going with “boingy boinger”
I’m trying to send the zombie apocalypse but the zombies say they’d rather starve.
Me: More fur & these cute little whisk-
Police Sketch artist: you’re describing a cat
Me: please his birthday is today & he loves portraits
At Walmart checkout other day:Cashier: “you have a dog?” Scanning dog food.Hubz: No, our kid needs the protein.
Me: We’re ordering pizza.
8-year-old: This is the best day of my life!
Me: We order pizza every week.
8: I have lots of best days.
Dating someone that actually likes you is wild. Like, what do you mean this person wants me around? And tries to get to know me? And asks what my blood type is? Or if I have both kidneys? Or if I wanna fly out & meet them alone in an abandoned hospital? It’s nice to feel wanted.
[after a plane crash]
Pilot: are u guys mad at me :/
So supportive, you should change your name to Wonder Bra.
It’s so strange, my 5 yr old is only “starving to death” when he hears the word “bedtime”
What a random, consistent, coincidence
“Dad can we get a puppy?”
“No but we can get a submarine if you like?”
[2 hours later 3000m beneath the pacific]
“dad I should be at school”
I just pulled over for a siren on the radio so I get it, dogs that bark at tv.
Hope my marriage can make it through another season of disagreement over the pronunciation of pecan.
Me *pouring coffee* are you going to work today?
Windows Explorer: who knows lol
I just hid a big bag of Easter peanut butter cups in the back of the freezer. In July I’ll find them and be very pleased then convinced I have dementia.
I’m really enjoying this drive through the desert. There’s so much to see. Cacti, rocky plateaus, rolling vistas, the occasional coyote on roller skates with a giant magnet on his back, tumbleweeds.
No matter how often I scream METALLICA in the poolside DJ’s face I don’t think he’s going to play them. Here come the police they’ll help me
parents nowadays: video games are too violent
parents from history times: c’mon kids, let’s go down to the colosseum to watch a murder!
body: you’re dehydrated
me: I literally just drank a glass
narrator: that was 3 days ago
Dentist: I’m going to take your tooth out
Me: Ok then
[later that evening]
Dentist: Well this is nice
My tooth: I’m having a lovely time