Brandy Carlile implies the existence of Whiskey Buscrocodile.
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Hell hath no fury like a small child being told there’s only fruit for dessert.
Never kick a porcupine wearing flip flops. Cause they’re obviously on vacation and why ruin their holiday?
Nothing makes you feel more like a genius than answering incorrectly to your kid’s interactive tv show…
Me: So, let me get this straight. It’s cute for the toddler to wear her flannel jammies to the grocery store but it’s embarrassing if I do it?
Husband: I have nothing to say. I knew what I was getting into when I married you.
It’s getting harder and harder for movie theatres to compete with home viewing options. They need to adapt to stay relevant. One suggestion: if you zone out and miss what’s happening you should be able to yell at the projectionist and get them to rewind the movie for you a bit
Results are in: a lot of people took the “never change” yearbook inscription way too seriously.
I just searched for a picture of “desserts” and a photo of grapes popped up. What kind of sick person has grapes for dessert?
one of my ex’s just randomly sent me $200 for “the trauma he caused me”. this is the only form of apology i will be excepting from now on
HER: why do you hate every single Hugh Grant movie?
ME: i love love actually actually
Doing word problems as a kid as helped me in adulthood. “Dan doesn’t have enough money for his bills, how long before he is homeless?”